Monday, December 21, 2009

12:21 bedroom

end of a weekend, dont really feel like writing much, but will review the past few days and maybe find myself in a full entry. Eating this weekend continued to be excessive, and I am ready to start fresh tomorrow. avatar on friday, beautiful and exciting. going to see it again next saturday at the imax :) sat alone in my car afterwards, the rain gently falling on my window, the bright parking lot light shinning through the rivulets and droplets. a sense of the mystical over came me and I cried slowly, but strongly, a conviction growing inside me to embrace life with all i have to give, however i can. i want to attend and i want to be present, moving through the moments. that mantra has helped me, and ive noticed myself using it over the past couple days. "I can't move past it, I have to move through this". It helps me focus and reclaim my consciousness and surroundings. Ive taken to observing whats around me, naming things as i see them, in my head. A long saturday morning, hiked with Luke to the falls in the early afternoon. Shower, nap, then prep for Christmas traditional dinner- botanical garden lights, Snowflake lane song and drummers, and italian feast at Maggianos. Delicious, but not completely holding onto my serenity. Exciting to go dancing. Meet up with C around 10:30 and head out about 45 minutes later, after a romp with my thigh highs and black boots still on. Great night, just felt like dancing and getting drunk. Awesome gay bar, good atmosphere, hot male dancers, and fun music. Image of C flinging his dreads as he works the pole ;) Very hung over this morning, its been a while. A good wake up call though. Ive moved past the need to drink and deal with hangovers on a regular basis. I would like to put compulsive eating behind me as well. Those physical hangovers are just as bad and the mental component even worse. I still feel like my body is recovering, a good sleep with be wonderful. Like A reminds me, think of things I am grateful for, everyday, as often as possible. Grateful for a warm and fun and understanding man in my life; grateful for friends to talk to and share with; grateful for a comfy bed. Grateful for the OA program which helps me work at being a better person, for myself, for others.

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