Friday, January 1, 2010

11:42 dining room

A year ago, this month, I attended my first OA meeting. A year. To be honest with myself, I've come a long way. I still rough roads to travel through the spiritual disorder and addiction, but the journey has long since started. My healing and recovery are seeded and sprouting. Now I must put all my energy and compassion and patience into not cutting them down before they bud. But i take heart! I firmly believe as firm as the roots are planted, I will always have hope, and as long as I see the light of each new day, there is a promise of change. Of goodness, of magic, of miracles, of serenity. With the dark comes the light, with the sadness comes the joy, with the pain comes solace and rest. Like Emily Dickinson's poem;
"Water, is taught by thirst.
Land—by the Oceans passed.
Transport—by throe—
Peace—by its battles told—
Love, by Memorial Mold—
Birds, by the Snow."
I have a better appreciation of life with brushes of dark thoughts and despair across my body, mind and spirit- my being.
I am starting to feel my body, really feel it, feel a part of it. joined with it. I overate tonight, but I am compassionate and loving and patient with myself. It is over, and I have regained the moment, I am present. I am tired though, very tired. I ended eating in the evening, but ate again as a wave of rebellion against sleep and hangover came over me.
New years eve celebration was very good, a nice and slightly amusingly akward dinner with C and another couple then back to his place for mimosa, mixed with entertainment. Walk to and ride on the light rail, strange, made seattle feel more like a real city. Part ways and head to the show. Caught the end of the last song of Fresh Espresso as we got our stamps. Aqueduct a fun surprise. Break to the men's bathroom (women's line was too long) for a perk. Thinking about it afterwards, I wouldn't have been so bold without the champagne and screwdrivers rolling around in my bloodstream ;p Back to dance gaily and lovingly with Creighton. Countdown with U.S.E. Arms wrapped around me, lifted and spun around. Two of the last people on the floor, we left around 2 as I came down. I wish it hadn't of bothered me so much, but I think the mix of alcohol was a bad choice for the end result. Met with Katie for a short walk, then wait for a while for a taxi. Sitting on a large cement flower container, in the midst of downtown shopping lights, singing softly, legs kept warm between C's, head resting against his stomach, my muscles and jaw still tight. Chilled at his home, a brief and welcome hot rinse and sit in the bath. Tired. Sleep. Woke thirsty this morning. A long day today. A nice morning, loving but not totally at ease. Home and eat. Rest then eat. Rest then eat. But not all bad. Netflix with luke, short conversations with mum.
"A new year. A new day. A new beginning. How do we become new?
This year holds out the possibility that we can learn from the past but not be bound by it. That we can move away from self-defeating habits. That we can come to better understand how much is enough, especially how much food is enough. Not too much, not too little, just...enough. As we learn how much food is enough, we can also learn how much is enough in other areas of life. How much work, how much play, how much money, how much sex, how many possessions. We don't need to make resolutions for learning all of this perfectly. Resolutions can set us up for disappointment. We will not be perfect today or any day. But we can be open to the possibilities that this moment, this hour, and this day bring. Today we can look for new ways to respond to old problems. We can listen to our inner voice. May new light's beginning be the next step in my recovery."
Grateful for electricity. Grateful for pause. Grateful for life. Grateful for curiosity. Grateful for need. I humbly ask for help. Please- God, Higher Powers, Guiding Spirit, Mother Earth- whatever you are, wherever you are; please embrace me and surround me with your love, so that I may hold it inside and nurture it and shine and warm others with it; please guide me to the Serenity to accept the things i cannot Change, the Courage to Change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

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