Sunday, January 10, 2010

10:16 dining room

i feel spiritually low. and physically discomforted.
poor things today started when i got home and started eating. felt low, anxious, without direction. continued until now, multiple sessions of binging and distraction.
good things today started with a clear wake up. no hangover (from last nights great dinner party and long crazy funk dance show and party including an MC rap at the end) though tired, and managed to ignore C's pawing. Did have good sex a bit later. He looked like a caveman, big beautiful blue eyes glowing out of dark scruffy hair and beard. hang around a bit, lunch at subway, hang with amber.
home and let myself eat a carrot. NO. i need to stick with the food plan. its discipline gives me the freedom to live other areas of my life.
i need a sponsor. i want to move on. i want to work the steps. i need help, i can't do this alone. i think accepting and welcoming a sponsor is finally, truly accepting this.
god help me help myself. let myself fall into this tonight. its not okay, it will never be okay. i need structure, i need support.
i want to be home. i dont want to have to stay at other people's places, i dont want to run.
god help me, help myself.
eating slow helps, but not when im eating outside my eating plan. a week commitment after signing a form at the health fare we worked at last saturday. if my paper gets drawn, i get a free hour of nutritionist consultation. also got a pair of free socks, woohoo!
wondering if i should go in late tomorrow, so i can exercise in the morning. previously, this would have been a negative reaction to binging, but I havn't exercised in a long time, and i think i need the movement and blood flow to lift my attitude and energy for the rest of the day.
"You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
- Christopher Robin to Pooh
grateful for shelter. really not feeling grateful right now, but I know i have so many things to be thankful for. thankful that its not too late, and i can still get a decent sleep. grateful for forgiveness, that i don't have to purge tonight.

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