Tuesday, January 12, 2010

12:05 dining room

i ate tonight because it brought me pleasure, and i wanted that pleasure. had this though on the drive home too, that part of it was pleasure, and tried to think of what else brought me such sensory pleasure on the same level. connecting with other people was the first thought. sex with C was another. a small daydream. well, that wasn't going to happen tonight. brushed my teeth as soon as i put my purse and scarf down. thank god aubrey was in the kitchen, we made our lunches together, and it was pleasant and i was grateful for her. the desire arose as we finished though and i verbalized my thought, "i feel like a little snack". small bell in my head, "i shouldn't". two vitagummies. two kiwis. slowly, enjoyably. and STOPPED. brushed my teeth, again. cup of tea, up with aubrey to watch a bit of Scrubs. desire rose again, even after i texted amy that the night was safe, the heartache had been thwarted. pleasure. bread and peanut butter and banana. more bread, more pb, more banana. more bread. sugar, carbs. raisins. apple. sucker.
i am awake, but i dont want to be. i want to sleep. a very strange sense of pleasure, brushing my teeth for the third time. 'i'm still thin. i can keep doing this.' terrifying. this disease, baffling, cunning. trying to tie together my body image and self-worth, trying to drag me down the road of insanity. succeeding.
afraid to think of tomorrow. afraid to move, to realize the damage. afraid of my inability to think of failing again.
please help me god, please help me. i will find a sponsor.
i don't want to escape. i want to be part of life, saturated in it. present, here, focused. i read news articles and watch documentaries now rather. im still present. for most of it. but do i have to keep doing this? no. slowly, slowly, slowly (painfully) i will let go of the disease and fully embrace life and myself and God. who embraces me with so much love its hard to fathom. listening to a book on tape about God's purpose for you. very bible-y but interesting concepts. would like to explore all religions and spiritual paths. abstinent. so i can face myself and God. a deep conviction grabbed me after the two kiwis, a painful wince across my face, as if from a invisible slap, and i turned around to brush my teeth, the second time, after the two kiwis.
but the desire was too strong the third time. tempt it i shall not, or suffer. a safe location, my bedroom is where i need to go, to be. to sit, to feel, to live through the confusion.
awake, so awake. slightly numb. full, but not uncomfortably. afraid, afraid of getting fat (i wont mince words, honesty is a pillar of program). but accepting it for what it is. realizing its ridiculous to associate fat with worth. but its hardwired into my brain and going to take a while to rewire.
going to lie in bed, breath, pray, hope for sleep.
god. higher powers. please help me through my confusion. this great confusion.

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