Sunday, January 3, 2010

8:49 computer room

101st post. how far have i come?
tired, tired of being tired. knowing what has to come. dedication. commitment. hard choices. sacrifices. tough choices. but for a good end, i believe in the good never-ending changes...
confusion, fearful anxiety, old habits of how i cope with these; this is my eating disorder. also maybe an underlying depression and concern about purpose and meaning. but i can change the upper level problems and through those solutions, dig into the deeper levels. i dont think the layers can be categorized by light or dark or thick or thin. they are themselves, but the former overlay the latter, they hide them.
i am not exercising tonight, though my old mind cries for that. i am tired. i'm going to take a relaxing shower, meditate and sleep. this is what my integrated self needs and is coming to want. true healing and health.
grateful for peace and serenity, though mostly i really don't understand how i have it. but thankful to the powers of the universe for helping me embrace it.
a long day. many thoughts, states of consciousness. which doesn't bother me anymore. it is part of who i am, and can reveal to me more about what im feeling at different times.
grateful for bounty. cooking seems to help, the preparation of food, especially sharing with others. food becomes a nurturing bond rather than something to be hated and reviled. food is nourishing and life-sustaining and a connection between people. i need to let go of the negative associations that i have developed with it. put the old relationship with food behind me, learn from those mistakes, and refresh the relationship.
grateful for friends, for siblings, for family.

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