Sunday, January 17, 2010

9:42 computer room

Feeling zen at the moment and decided I should write a bit, because it hasn't been very often that I come here in a peaceful state of mind and body. Tired, but not unpleasantly. Body is winding down, readying itself for sleep. And an early day tomorrow, working for volunteering for MLK day.
Long friday, lots of activity in the office, and then after, the excitement of going to a great show with C and his buddies. Nap before and put aside program work for convenience. Great DJ set and live show, drank quite a bit, but was aware for it all. Standing in front of the sink back at C's house, drinking 3 mugs of water, because something told me to. Grateful for that bit of wisdom in the morning, felt little hangover, just tired. Though I dropped out of a work presentation because, honestly, i really didn't want to go. Felt a bit guilty, then let it pass, and read the Dali Lama while C slept beautifully next to me. left for home in the afternoon and ate it away, into the evening. was that really just last night? feels like longer. watched a movie on netflix, then did a short, painful, exercise, my stomach was so extended i couldnt do the frog sit or i felt like i was going to throw up. but in bed by midnight and a decent sleep. up this morning with a bit of anxious energy, tried to calm my mind during stretches and reading. I was still a bit jumpy on the drive to the work presentation but felt very calm and mellow when i arrived. felt very comfortable standing in front of the 50 people in the room. sometimes i feel more confident when there are more faces, and more fidgety and hurried when there are only a few. (whoops, got distracted there, banking, facebook, and wonderful phone call from a long lost very dear friend). Visit with Ruthie and Amber and then home to a delicious roast beef dinner with the family. Mum was in her bathrobe and hair towel and aubrey was reading, and there were no terrible arguments. A bit stressed after but made a cup of tea, let go the need, felt the low hit as i denied it, but felt better watching some movie with mum. had a few cookies and then some prunes but stopped when the thought came- if i was in my own place, i would enjoy what i wanted then stop. and so i stopped. brushed my teeth and moved on. first call with my sponsor E, a very loud and laughing lady who i can imagine claire sounding like when she gets older. feel okay now. on the journey, standing on the path and wanting to continue padding down it. slowly, one day at a time. grateful for the fortunes of my fate; a home, food and a mostly loving family. I am willing, to love myself, to reach inside, to breath life into my spiritual flame...

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