Friday, January 8, 2010

12:07 bedroom

I cannot say yes or no to a binge. that is not in my control. I have no control over binging. At no point can I say, "Im okay, i feel good, there is no worry." It will always be there, waiting, if I let my guard down. That is tonight's lesson.
I will not give up. The choice is mine to use my problems as stepping stones or stumbling blocks. For each mistake, I can use it to place a brick on the path ahead of me, and follow the brick road home. I choose not to live my life unhappy and depressed, though I am fighting it. I accept this disease/illness of my being, and that is half the battle. "I have to live with this disease the rest of my life, but that's okay because the Twelve Steps give me a path to follow."
Im learning to cry, im learning to laugh, im learning to feel. very slowly. how can i go to the office tomorrow? and pretend like everything is normal? that i can control myself? that i am not a subject to food? it may at times master me, but i do not have to be a slave to it. I do well all day, and it would be hard for anyone to come home and not snack, let alone let alone someone whose spiritual confusion and old habits seem to rule her life sometimes.
its okay paradie. we can try again tomorrow.
okay. i will sleep and pray and rest now. grateful for hope.

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