Thursday, January 21, 2010

9:26 dining room

a mental obsession, a physical craving. chocolate tonight, wanted the savory sugar, the creaminess. didn't have any so i sought it out relentlessly. almost caved to mixing powder cake mix, thank god i didnt. but is shoving other food in my mouth no worse? cant even really remember what i ate. going backwards...cookie, white bread with meat, vita gummies throughout, apricot, yogurt, kiwi. started with pasta, broccoli, garlic bread, apple, can peas, prunes.
bread. bread with peanut butter and honey.
awful. thinking "Thats his/her food" helped stop with the pasta. Need to remember that with junk food and vita gummies. Its their food. Take that mentality for all of it. Its their food.
Writing this now, because I want to move through this, i dont want to push it aside with distraction until i feel better physically and mentally. it happened- what can i learn from it? how can i turn this brick into a stepping stone? first, its a concrete example of the mental obsession and physical craving taking over sane thought and action. I am powerless over food, it makes my life unmanageable, because it creates insanity. The same thing, over and over. Second, it is a reminder that eating is a pleasure, but that it is also a gift, bounty from the universe, mother earth and the sun. When I eat, I eat only, with no distraction of reading or watching. Talking and sharing with others and I encourage it for myself, because I find it slows me down. Ah, I was eating very fast tonight, taking the food for pleasure but more so to satisfy that physical craving. And today, I noticed I was focusing on food throughout the day. Tired now, and a little sick, but nothing too bad. Feel uncomfortable physically and spiritually. Let go of negative thoughts, of body image, of failure. It happened, its over, move through it. Take positive action steps.
...brushed teeth, talked, exercised, showered, called...
grateful for Hope. written on my shirt. grateful for a warm house. grateful for forward vision, for present focus, for past consideration. pray for strength in all. to learn from all. to be in the moment, to embrace my emotions and move with them.

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