Friday, January 8, 2010

11:53 bedroom

Midnight has crept upon me swiftly, though not unpleasantly. A moment of extreme focus, i can definitely say a high, settled over me in a slow bite and crunch and wet squish of green beans in cottonseed oil. A moment of lift. A very good day.
UP, incredulously, at 7:36, to the call of my bladder, 9 minutes before my phone would sing with alarm. Sleepy, but not exhausted as I dishearteningly feared before falling asleep last night. My usual morning routine, slightly dampened, but let go to the music and ate a full breakfast and quickly packed a good lunch. all after a sad and emotional and tear-streaked-cheeks-night. Work unusually full of activity, especially for a friday. A very nice long chat with dad while i typed emails and printed off some documents, an hour actually. I really do love him, and see how he is changing, and feel protective of him. I want him to be engaged and peaceful. Him and Sherry are a very odd couple. Talked of Jim and Shayla. He is getting very bank-erish, she is growing very tall. a long very good lunch with C. savory and delicious sandwiches from Salumi and a yummy curry lentil soup, even though it looked like a bowl of dijon. Deep to hectic kisses and fondling in the kitchen to the bedroom and a beautiful and enjoyable and happy love making in the soft white afternoon light streaming through linen curtains. energized afterwards, enough to reveal to C about my hard night, and was gratified with his comfort. Giddy schoolgirlish walk back to work, almost 2 hours later, but no one really minded, or they would have said something. half of leftovers to katie and david, and a nice short talk with them. afternoon passed quickly, meeting and then the evening was upon me. stayed late to wait for a volunteer to pick up supples, rain pouring as i helped her carry them to her trunk. stayed late, reading material, eating a snack of pistachios and orange. seriously considered walking to the grocery store, but dediced that was not the best choice. to the friday night meeting, and arrived early enough to walk around a few blocks with my umbrella, a very good choice. a good meeting, i led, a bit tired and sleepily but very much listening. backed into another woman's car as i was leaving, on the phone to B. I will see if she calls tomorrow. What will be will be. And I will not use my phone while i am driving. part not hitting anybody, part present focus. home, to tea and minutes of a movie with jerry and luke, to short talk with mum, to dinner. Larger than set and expansive into binge territory...but the green beans spoke to me. the carrots first, wanting me to eat them with movie pause slowness. so present, so aware. and a miracle. i was done. i Wanted to get up and go brush my teeth, not eat any of the cookies sprayed across the table and cutting board. A blessing.
If I show up; if i am present and focused and slow about movements and thoughts- the need will be lifted and i can move through to serenity. amazing. breathing. focus. feeling. conscious thought. thank you. A tea and movie with luke about Petra. A shower. Reading, then bed. A miracle, a blessing, I am humbled by the strength that is inside me, and the power that lifted me.
Work tomorrow. And that is okay. a little good even :) having a schedule to continue. good habits to follow. and another day to be present. grateful for this day. for this abstinence. for OA leading me on a spiritual path of recovery. i pray for the strength to continue to love myself and therefore love others.

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