Tuesday, January 5, 2010

11:53 bedroom

"How my day goes depends on how I see my problems. If I think of them as stumbling blocks, I;ll probably be uptight and frustrated. But if I try to use y problems as stepping-stones to find out more about myself, today can be an important step in my growth. Admitting I'm wrong ca be a stepping-stone to being honest and humble. Working on an assignment I've put off can make tme more responsible. Letting go of one of my fears can help me find faith in a Higher Power. Stepping-stones or stumbling block-the choice is mine. No one can tell me how I should feel about today. That right belongs to me alone. I'll be a lot farther ahead if I don't let my problems get me down. They can make me stronger today if I use them to dig deeper into the program." -Jan. 5th One Day at a Time

Slower to anger, longer for anxiety to manifest. Patience growing. Feeling of guidance burning stronger. Moments bright and clear. Shimmers of understanding.
Still the overeating, the holding back.
Sandwiched by reflection and humble forgiveness of my imperfection. Letting go of body image, understanding how low self worth figures into this. I don't feel worthy of recovery. Without the post-motivation of a binge, I have waves of sadness and apathy.

Tonight was the first class in a 8 week series for intro to painting. 3 hours of a lesson in patience if nothing else. An older man, a very long time to say things, tangents galore. But wisdom, and simplicity and in that serenity, in between laughs and raised eyebrows. I think this class will be good for me, I feel its right-ness, as much as I let a deep breath out because of its slow pace, and seeming random and useless meandering. many deep breaths. but truly, the long introduction of every class member was fascinating. what people said about themselves, how they said it, spoke leagues about them. It will be interesting to see how the first impressions I have made change over the course of two months. And if they change, because I change. I think it would be hard not to change in 8 weeks. I would be sad not to.

I skipped a service meeting tonight, but I didn't feel bad about it. Nurturing my friendships is an okay pass, I feel. I don't want to feel any more resentful against OA than I already do- as grateful for it as I am.
What will come will come. I want a fit body, but that will take time, and I may never achieve the image I have in my head, but I may gain much much more. Confidence to try and do anything, regardless of my hips or arms or thighs or belly. They are a part of me, and I want them healthy, but they will never be perfect. If they are, my mind will be dark, and my spirit broken. More so than it has ever been.
I pray for humility and compassion and the courage to reach out to others in my time of need. To love myself and have confidence in my self-worth so that I can nurture myself with every bit of my being. I pray for the strength to be honest, with myself, with everyone around me, with Higher Powers and forces. Grateful for small crystals of understanding and honesty that do come and the strength to embrace them. Understanding I would like to stay at C's tomorrow night, but only because it is a 'safe zone'. And I don't want that garden relationship to harden into walls that crumble. A tough night with him last night, trouble sleeping, anxiety about not being able to sleep. A strange dream, and a huge relief upon waking, to realize it wasn't real. A house on the water, C's family baking, C leaving and not saying a final goodbye, an annoying girl who was his friend, Sarah and friends waking after a night of partying, spread all over the house on the water. Fighting a dragon? ...
Awake now, from carbs. I will put on a zen cd and deeply breath and pray for peace and love for myself, for the world, for the universe.

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