Wednesday, January 6, 2010

11:18 bedroom

A few phrases in the second part of This Emotional Life on PBS tonight made my mouth hang open and my eyes widen. Remarks about how our brain can get used to a situation and make itself think that its status quo is acceptable, even good. They had a scientific name for it, meaning our brain's ability to adapt itself to a situation, good or bad. Earlier, sitting on the couch I felt an extremely clear, rational consciousness take over. My belly was extended to the point of pain, and i was curled tight into myself, though my arm was draped over the back of the sofa. Contrasts, like like rational versus emotional. As before, when the emotional side of my brain and body took over and ate to suppress the emotions that were arising. Uncertainty and its children fear and anxiety. Again, I feel like it was terrible, that I went through that. I want, I pray, I need to be in a place where I have ways and means to be able to confront the uncertainty and anxiety that arises when I feel the need to eat. And before. I need to be able to face the night, to face my future. To put the fear of the future away, and focus on the present. Be in the moment. Progress is happening, but I need, want, pray for some real changes. I want to stop eating compulsively. And working the program helps, but going to meetings doesn't necessarily, because I just come home and binge. I don't want to run, I want to face it. The body image, the moments of low-self worth. To be able to enjoy this time NOW, realize now is all i have. I can make this day exactly what I want it to be, i just need to let go of reservations and put a little faith in a higher power, and breath deeply. Let love into my life.Let go of worry and fear, and believe, pray, hope that everything will work out as it should. Let go and let god. Let it be.
A strange thought about my hair in the shower tonight, as i was trying to let go of body image, and how much of the anxiety about overeating is from fear of being fat. Why do I have long hair? If I was on a deserted jungle island, I would not want to be hard core and beautiful. I would want to be carefree in the sun with short hair that i wouldn't have to take care of ;) I need to imagine myself on a deserted island more often. Let go of thinking others are judging me, let go of thinking others have expectations for me. Everyone is concerned with their own. Everyone is being taken care of by their own higher power. I worry though, that they aren't, that I need to help them. But how can i really help them, how can i realy care, if I don't care about my own life. How can I show someone the beauty of their existence if I question and doubt my own worth...? Being fit is always been a part of me, part of what i strive for. Always striving. What if i just let it go? and was who i am? became fat? who would really care? Men, i say in my head, I wouldn't be attractive to them. That is an issue I would like to tackle. Feeling like I need to be attractive to men. Like that is inherently my self-worth and when i am not fit (strange, not so much beauty, but fitness), when I am not fit, I am not worthy. Maybe because weight is so much an indicator or my struggle. That if I'm fit, i am 'free' or i am 'containing' it. I know being fit has no indication on my long term serenity, 23 years has proven that. So i have a choice, to let go of old choices, and make new responses to old habits. And I am not alone, I am never alone. I am tired. I am sad, I am feeling a bit lost and scared and overwhelmed. But there is peace here, in this piece of the world, in this moment and I am grateful for that. I can let go of the past, and enjoy the serenity of the moment. Grateful for Love, the hope of it, the beauty of it. Pray for balance between emotion and rationality. Pray for guidance. Grateful for the determination to go through with something I actually feel like i want to do. I can't yet knit, but I can cast on, and that is truly the beginning :)

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