Saturday, October 17, 2009

12:54 bedroom

Feels like its been more days than have been since I last wrote. Beautiful Joseph in the magnificent, inspiring 5th Avenue theater on Wednesday. Happy hour with Ruthie at Broadway Grill, Thursday night, for her birthday, even though I was staunchly wanting to return home after a long day of work. But I went, and stayed a long time, and bought an unwanted second glass of merlot just before a co-worker of Ruthie called to say he was at the bar they were supposed to meet at. She drank my wine, I dropped her off and returned home. To eat, much more that was healthy for me, much more than an indulgence. Its funny, that was last night and I can't even remember what I ate. Full day today, travel and presentation, and back to the office. Full and fulfilling. Visited Sarah afterwards in her new appt. and passed a simple hour chatting. Then the moment came to decide for the meeting and I went. Opened myself up to a higher power, as much as I know how and could so far, for my decisions today, even the most mundane, and was surprised to find out the answers came, as weight in my brain, and felt right, even if not at first. The meeting seemed to skim by, and then at its end I volunteered to take charge of the key and the lead for the next. Oh Dear, when will you learn. I might feel resentful next Friday, but at the same time I am grateful to the power in me that pushes me to reach out and take action, do service. Thank you. 'I have everything I need, and I'm alllriiiiiiiiiight.' Says the country song. I overate a lot tonight but i feel good, almost excited. Im confused by the change in mind state. Usually I would be weeping by now. But I think the difference is all in the potential of the next day. Tomorrow is saturday. I can sleep in, I can exercise. In other words, I can do what I want. I can make the choices to run my day. But now, I have to start thinking about not running my day. Letting a higher power guide me in all that I do. I think I feel a glimmer of faith, a catch of light on a small pebble that might potentially be a vein of trust running through me. I will hold tight to this fleeting sparkle. Its memory if nothing else.
It think it is time for sleep. I could stay up and read, but I think at this point of night, that would be avoiding myself, not in-taking knowledge or inspiration for pleasure.
Grateful to be able to be a part of a group who encourages each other's spiritual growth. That is no small miracle. Grateful for present focus and conscious reflection, when I embrace them. Love save me. Save me from my fear. Force buoy me. Guide me through my fear. Universe, Spirit of the Universe, help me understand my fear and grow from it. Watched Batman Begins tonight. great movie. Night.

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