Sunday, October 11, 2009

11:56 bedroom

I slept on my floor last night, a thin blanket on top of me, curled around the space heater.
i awoke with bleary eyes and a dry thirst. tea with mum and delaine was harshly interuppted by a call bearing sad news about delaine's mother. a tearful, anxious goodbye and the turkey put in the oven. a beautiful fresh fall day. brilliant sunshine and cool air. worked on the trail a bit, peeled a few potatoes, then picked up ruthie from the park and ride in issaquah. home to finish cooking the vegetables, then sit down to enjoy a bountiful thanksgiving meal. a few sips of a delicious pinot noir (perhaps so delicious because its been about a month since any has passed my lips), then out for a stroll to pull away from the sluggish lull of bodies after turkey and gravey and mash potatos. green jasmine tea and a very nice chat on the porch in the tepid warmth of the afternoon. real and honest about eating issues and past depression and current states of mind. some quick photos of the bro for his senior portrait then drive ruthie back to town for a mini grocery shop before saying goodbye to her at the bus stop. home with a headache (wine? and lack of sleep) and a unexpected doze on mum's bed. then down for pie and sweet potatoes and sugar and bread. and lots of water. exercise to a bellydance boogie, stretch and now here i am.
going to lean away from the strictness of the HOW program. feel like its tieing me down, and so i am straining against it. the emphasis on rigid abstinence only makes me paranoid about breaking it, and guilty when i do. Im going to stick with planning meals, and groceries, and I want to find another partner in recovery to email my next days meals to. But they are going to be guidelines. And I will attend meetings and read literature with a new focus on spiritual healing, rather than restricting my eating. Ive come to face to face with my need for meaning and purpose. Now I have to take the steps to learn how to build my journey and 'create my destination' as Ruthie put it. Where I end up depends a lot on my perspective. Im going to work on thinking positive, having kind thoughts, and forgiving myself. Setting allowances, just like in finances, and giving rewards.
Grateful for an outside perspective. Grateful for a wonderful refreshing day. I have had this.

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