Thursday, October 29, 2009

10:04 bedroom

there is no reason for me to feel as crummy as i do, and im trying hard to fight it. I think i need a very good, long sleep. Tired, stressed, and feeling worthless. Long day...two interesting theater/multimedia presentations in the morning, one on immigration to washington at the turn of the century and the other on the dust bowl in the 30's. Round about drive to subway, then on the highway home. Snow and fallen tree over the pass, warm snooze in the van, beautiful scenery out the window. Bit crazy back at the office, thrown back into the thick of things. Gorged on chocolate as a result, and ended up physically and mentally sick. Stressed out listening to the family banter and argue, went downstairs to sit in the dark for a while, feeling the tears inside but not able to let them out. Burrito, other junk and filler food, then a slump on the sofa. Feel so out of control and worthless. But I am worthy, I am beautiful. I can handle anything. Exercised and still anxious through that, sister trying to figure out her halloween costume and asking me advice through my kicks and punches and stretches. But she did knead my shoulders for a bit after, which felt great. Short chat with mum, verbally expel frustrations a bit. Shower, awkward exchange with new boy acquaintance, second guessing my intuition and falling back on acting cute, which backfired. which is good in a way, that I know he doesn't like that stuff, because I dont like it when i do it either. Hard to get rid of those fucking bad habits. thirsty. frustrated, anxious, but very grateful. For everything that causes me consternation i see the good in it, which is bitter sweetly amusing.
THe ego is pounding against my skin, pushing itself into my words and actions. Let go, let God. I really would like to find a sponsor to help me through the 4th step, i feel its time, almost an urgent, anxious feeling. But calmness underneath. Contradictory. Seeing that I'm trying to do things perfectly, but knowing i wont and that thats okay.
Need to lay down! Grateful for books. For spirituality. For hope. For HOPE.

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