Monday, October 5, 2009

10:52 computer room

Been a while since i've written in here after an abstinent day. two down, rest of my life to go...
laughter, gotta smile, at the little, stupid imperfections.
its amazing how hair can change a person's face, just noticed a picture of my brother with a mop on his head, while now he's sporting a cleaner buzz.
Hectic morning, getting myself and meals together, and then cleaning up my spilled dinner and packing it again. Engaged at work, lots of small personal errands to occupy my time, besides legitimate occupations. Picked up a gift certificate for one friend's birthday then a nice hour with a another at her studio. Chatted away the hour, and noticed that she is different, in her demeanor. Seems more cautious, more uncertain. Which is very interesting. She has always appeared as extremely put together and very aware of her self-worth, though underneath she was a tight rope waiting to snap...which has happened occasionally. I wonder if that wire is loosening, and she is allowing herself to let go of some control. Will have to ask her about it.
A meeting after, still feel a bit off with my shares. Like im not coherent with my ideas, or that my ideas themselves are fluffy. Tomorrow I go to the inter-group meeting as a rep, which I am looking forward to, a change, a shake up, a challenge.
home to chaos, on the surface level. Chaos, because I made it out to be chaos. The dirty dishes really do get to me. Its just not that hard, and its a matter of respect to each other. I get upset because the lack of action I equate to lack of caring. And I struggle with lack of caring enough, not to have to worry about everyone else not caring. Which is my catch-22. I have to let go of that controlling other peoples thoughts, actions and emotions. But then what, live in a pigsty?? Or maybe I have to lower my expectations. A reading about that today, to keep high sights but 'easy does it' along the path. If I make too high expectations for myself, I also make them for others, and when they don't come through, I feel let down. But I have no direct control over others. I can share with them my thoughts and feelings, but I can't control theirs.
i have come some distance, and I have to acknowledge this. Another young woman mentioned this in the meeting, how a year ago, the month of October 2008 was complete insanity. And here she is, 12 months later, abstinent and functioning. Time, progress not perfection, on day at a time.
A year ago I was lost. I knew something had to be done but I wasn't sure where to find the 'solution'. I figured there must be an answer. I am coming to accept myself for who I am, whoever and whatever that may be. I am coming to have patience, with myself, with the world, slowly with the universe. I am coming to have faith. And I think this is the largest miracle of them all. because this has changed my entire outlook. This has given me and sustained in me hope. I am starting to nurture my relationships, because I am beginning to let go and let God nurture me. I am beginning to nurture myself because I am coming to have a faith in God. A faith that the energy of the universe is a loving higher power and will guide me to where i need to go, where I need to be. I am working at a fulfilling, promising work place where I can feel fulfilled if I apply myself. I am learning many things, including where my boundaries of control lie. I can't control many things, but I can control when and how I take action, how I respond. I don't have to react. I can let go, and let God and come to have faith in Love's great power of healing and support. I am wanting to come to believe in the magic of the universe. I am willing. And actually, that may be the biggest change of all. I am willing, I am praying for faith.
Grateful for an abstinent day and night.

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