Monday, October 19, 2009

11:45 bedroom

So many good thoughts and moments today. Exercised in the morning, got a good crackin at the chiro office, then on to a great presentation, afer some hilarity with directions. Good afternoon and evening in the office, a bit of hesitation before the OA meeting, but stayed late enough at the chapter to eat dinner and then drive and arrive right on time. A good meeting, long but fulfilling. And a sort of crazy euphoria after. Praying to a higher power, feeling a higher power, being with a higher power as I parked in front of the garage and went the bathroom and raced upstairs to talk to my sister while i brushed my teeth. A sense of satisfaction. Of thankfulness. Then, a decision that it was okay to eat now. I let go and let god take over...then i took it back. Felt grumpy then miserable as the binge progressed, only stopping when i felt another bite would make me actively sick.
A higher power is here, with me, now. Always. I feel the reception as soon as i open myself to it. But I also need action. Action steps to support the higher power's guidance in me. I ate tonight to relax. But obviously it has the exact opposite effect. I will try something. Because that is all i can do, trial and error and listening to the voice of spirit inside me. (The more I eat, the more that voice is deafened, and so the harder to listen, to feel, the easier to eat. Repeat...). During the day, when I come home, I will take a cup of tea and sit with someone or outside or on the couch for 15 minutes. When I come home at night, I will take a cup of tea down to my room and sit for 15 minutes. I wont say I can't read or occupy myself. I will read my 'dream day' piece of paper.
Cup of tea. 15 minutes. Its a start.
So many good moments today I cant remember them all. I wish I hand't binged tonight. But I did, it happened, and I did some situps, and now I am going to bed. I am disapointed, but I won't let that get in the way of my sleep.
Grateful for different perceptions. Grateful for learning about the way people lived throughout history. Grateful to be able to read. Grateful to have unlimited access to learning.
Pray for courage to withstand the emptiness that comes when i don't eat. Pray for strength. Pray for wisdom. And love. I'm confused about a situation with a co-worker. I have to admit to myself that I do like him. I'm not sure why, I'm not sure how, but I have to admit I have a weird kind of crush. Weird because of how love and affection are weird in general. We just really can't help who we are attracted to, who we fall for. Is it in our genetic makeup? Is it a magnetism of energy? WHAT IS IT?! Because in this situation, I would rather it go away. It might complicate things. But maybe this is a lesson I have to learn to. Its okay to like someone, even though I'm not physically what I think I should be like, if i was in a relationship. And this crush is making me face that at any time, at any moment, I am exactly who I am. And why should I put of anything, especially love, because I'm not perfect. Because I never will be. And if I wait until I'm perfect, I will never have anything.
Truthfully, I think this is also about deficiencies. I always fall for someone who has something i don't, who has a quality I covet. This young man has a calmness, a quiet surety, a subtle humor that is as sharp as a knife. I want his calm, his seeming peacefulness. He is a hard worker and exercises and I respect that. Eating my second heaping bowl of cereal tonight, I realized, as I took bite after bite, that my eating is also like my relationships. I hang on waaaaay too long. I need to just let them go. Let go and let a higher power take over. Because I really can't run the show. At all. Very well. God help me.

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