Wednesday, October 7, 2009

11:57 bedroom

Good and evil do not befall men without reason. Heaven sends them happiness or misery according to their conduct.- Confucius
think i would like to debate all sides of this...
read an article last night from Dr. Susan Jeffers about 'embracing uncertainity' and thought there were many good excerpts from it. Including affirmations of "i wonder" and "whatever happens, i'll handle it!". whatever happens, up and down, sideways and diagonal, backwards and forwards, ILL HANDLE IT!. Some other goodies:
"Heroes to me are people who have created much good in this world as a result of horrible experiences in their lives. A few heroes come to mind: Christopher Reeve, who created so much good as a result of his paralyzing accident; Viktor Frankl, who created so much good out of his experience in a concentration camp; Ram Dass, who created so much good as a result of his debilitating stroke; Marc Klaas, who created so much good after the murder of his daughter. As you collect heroes, you understand this important thought: "If they can learn and grow from their experiences, I certainly can learn and grow from mine!" As you collect your heroes, your trust grows and your worry about the future gets smaller and smaller."
"constantly remind yourself "I can learn from this." When you can see the opportunities inherent in all situations, good or bad, it truly helps you embrace all the uncertainty in your life."
"It sounds ridiculous, but we actually have to train ourselves to notice all the beauty in our lives. And train ourselves, we must... because focusing on the blessings is an absolute necessity for diffusing our fears about the future."
"A suggestion: As you go about your day, stop for a moment and notice when something wonderful happens. Then say to yourself while still in the glory of the moment, "I have had this." This is the acknowledgment that "No matter what happens tomorrow, I have had this today." It is in the noticing of the little things that you truly get the feeling of a life well-lived... that wonderful hot shower, that kiss from a loved one, the fact that your car started, that great dinner you are eating, the warm rays of the sun"
"Positive action has an amazing effect on our psyche. As we take action, we begin to feel more powerful and our fear about the future decreases considerably. Keep repeating to yourself: "My life has meaning and I will do whatever I can to make this a better world."Then ask yourself, "What am I called to do?" Make a list of what comes to mind, and begin taking action. When you remember that your life has meaning, it makes it so much easier to push through the fear and live a life that matters. And your self-esteem grows and grows. Just as importantly, you will have found the secret of creating a joyous and fulfilling life.As you make these tools a part of your daily life, you experience a whole new sense of purpose and power emerging from within, and you look forward to the future with an attitude of great possibility -- for yourself and for your world."
Slipped tonight; after a very slow day at work, a day that felt like it had no direction. And ultimately no meeting. Think that truly made all the difference. Will be going to the 7:30 tomorrow. And I feel safer already, just by commiting to that. I really need to do some reading too, but the past few days were so busy and i just wanted to watch tv. Unfortunately, that also included eating. But, i need to remind myself, as soon as you stop, i can choose to be abstinent again. And I do. Even if i don't truly feel how it can help, I pray for the faith. And continue to eat breakfast the next day, as mentally painful as it seems. God, I am making progress, I have slipped a little today. I started jumping in puddles, then found myself mired in the mud. I pray for faith, so I can believe fuller in myself and the future and the love of the universe. I do question it all, that there can be a good way amid all the chaos and danger. But I ask for faith. I wasn't feeling much of anything today, and not going to a meeting was another stumbling block. And 3 days of abstinence let me flirt with food for hours after dinner. Exercised, but waves of incredible anxiety and frustration near the end, when I couldn't stop hitting my hands against each other in one of the kickboxing moves. Just now a burst of sadness, helplessness, now again. LIke a cork was just shot out of a bottle, and the contents are ready to be poured. But they are still inside, I cant feel enough to let them dump out.
"Keep a green tree alive in your heart and a songbird may come to sing there."- Chinese Proverb
this is a wonderful quote and I will hold it in my heart. I will nurture the tree inside of me with love, hope, faith, and wonder and pray for the patience to wait for a songbird to fly my way, to fly my way and lift up my heart with serenity and joy.
Right now I feel anger. And helpless in the face of vastness. Vast change. I feel so little. I am a piece of the universe, and the universe is the sum of its parts, so even if i dont feel important or necessary or worthy, there may be a part i play in the vast scheme, the big picture, that i can never hope to comprehend, but that i will come to know I play. i take part in something bigger than myself by simply living. And I can enjoy that living more by embracing that bigger thing, a higher power. And i pray to have faith that that higher power is a guiding spirit, is loving, and will show me to love and serenity and fullfillment.
I feel the need for action, for excitement. But at the same time, I feel i need structure and habit. Just want to shout and, really. just to get it out.

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