Friday, October 9, 2009

11:36 bedroom

THe fatal nature of the disease. Is it because it is cunning? Because it lulls you into a false sense of security? Is that the trap I am falling prey to now? I feel the return of a sense of magic tonight. The warmth of the house, all of us present, including an old friend, celebrating mum's milestone birthday of 50 years. 50 years. Hard to imagine what I will be like at that time, but not hard to imagine being 50. I feel in this moment that it will come soon. But 28 years is more than i have lived yet.
I know I cannot retreat from OA. But I think the rigidity might be a leash rather than a lead. I think the reins make me strain against them and dig my heels in, rather than give me guidance and direction. It is all uncertain. Everything. Perhaps this is the magic. The uncertainty. That anything can happen. But that what seems unremarkable might have the strongest impact of all. I need goals. I need to make goals. Some concrete, tangible actions to take and something to look forward to. A budget. A strengthened eating plan, tight against leaks, that I will want to follow. I need to truly follow my heart. Not follow dreams I feel I should dream. But chase dreams I want to dream, I actually dream. Not force myself into a mold, but let myself flow into the mold that I will become, if I just take it day by day, and 'be' that day as it feels right. OA has always made me slightly uneasy, but has given me much that i cant take for granted. A burgeoning sense of self, an awareness of the possibility of a higher power, an understanding of the myriad of layers involved in emotions and personality, and the complexity of relationships with others. OA has given me the means to plumb the depths of my being, to recognize and begin to learn about and try to understand my soul, and how it connects to the universe. OA has given me confidence, and is teaching me about forgiveness, acceptance and humility. I cannot forsake it now. But I think I need to restructure my interchange with it. To not look at it as a prison, but a hospital. And maybe something better. But for now, a hospital. A place where I can understand my sickness and begin to heal from it. Dad called today, upset about Jim selling grandpa's truck to buy a mustang. In honor of Shaun, he says. But its not Shaun's car, Dad retorts angrily. That went to the bitch of a girlfriend he had. A frustrating situation, a common interchange. Two sides of one coin. As my core family strengthens, I lose the peripheral. Or lose the interest in keeping up appearances. Our family, we said, would be stronger, would be tighter. Well, not so far. The textured surface of my wall seems alive like the rough skin of an elephant. Pale yellow and shadows of grey. Here I am, sitting, alive. In my very small, infinitely small piece of the universe. So much we don't know. A new species of primate has been identified and news headlines claim our story now has to be re-written. I wonder how much of our story should be re-written. Everything really is relative. So why do I worry so much. I have to let go of the perfection. To simply embrace the moment, for whatever it is, whatever its worth. And if im dissatisfied, deal with it, or change my perception or actions. Missed Sarah's party tonight. I would have one out if I wasn't so tired. But, though I overate a very large amount, I don't feel bad about the evening. The fatal nature of our disease. How it tears apart our relationships. Ourselves. Our souls. It blocks our connections to anything. Leaves us in a fog of denial. And pushes our bodies to harmful limits. Diabetes, cholesterol, joints, heart. Problems to solve. I have problems to solve. I have 3 contacts to make at the red cross. I have ideas to come up with for the diversity committee. I feel the need for values and visions for these projects as much as I do for anything. But perhaps I need to "ready, fire, aim!". Take jumps and then flap my arms to a landing. Grateful for a intelligent, thoughtful, provoking, challenging, witty, weak, loving mother. Grateful for God. Im not sure where that came from, but it came from somewhere.

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