Saturday, October 17, 2009

11:25 computer room

If only I had the discipline, if only I could be at a place where I had the discipline to regulate myself and my actions. If only I could reach that point, then everything would be okay, then I would be happy.
Just watched a movie, “Peaceful Warrior” that pretty much embodied all that I am learning about now, trying to embody myself. Inspiring, moving, overwhelming with the wisdom nuggets. Thinking I should watch it again in a few months. See what I take away from it then.
Three rules of Life. Paradox, Humor, Change. Life is a mystery, don't try to understand it. Have a sense of humor, especially when it comes to yourself, this can be your greatest strength. Everything changes.
Always put the peanut butter on the bread first when making a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich ;) sense of humor...
A bad heachache in the middle of the day. Laid down for a few hours in my avalanche of blankets on my bed. Understood I wanted pity, but tried to fight it.
We have no control. Let go, we have no control. Its the journey. If we focus too much on the destination, we miss everything along the way.
And there is so much to learn along the way. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by it. Other times I'm so excited I feel like I'm about to burst, its overflowing.
Let go of perfection. They took a hike to the top of a mountain at the end of the movie. The young man thought there was something special to see. The older man told him it was by his foot, a square rock. The young man scoffed. The older man told him he really didn't know what they were going to find. The young man understood the lesson of the journey. But something else became evident, that he wouldn't have felt that lesson (as strongly) if he hadn't struggled so much before. I feel slightly on edge. I feel like if I just had a passion, everything would be better, everything would be clear. But maybe my journey is finding my passion. And through that journey I will find my meaning. There are no mundane moments. There are only moments. This has been hard for me to accept. Thats why I eat. To take the moment and either forget it, forget myself; or intensify it.
Aubrey and Katie took a writing class at the Bellevue Library today, and there was also a ceremony to unveil a statue of Ghandi. Indian food samples, pretty sari's and dignitaries, that we caught a glimpse of as mum and I returned to the Library to pick up the girls, after shopping with Casey in the Northgate Target. Pretty clothes. A change in changing room through patterns. Saw my body for what it was- and liked it. Felt womanly and real. Grateful for that.
I have had this moment. Warm hands typing on black keys on a white calender on a wood desk on a berber carpet in a warm house. A fire, a game of yatzee. The girls laughing and chatting after making homemade brownies. I have had this night. The rain. So much rain today. Clearing the air. Feeding the streams, the rivers, the ground, the plants.
Thought the other day how powerful the sun is, how it truly is at the center of our lives. Its heat stirs the air, makes the wind, makes the waves, makes the currents. Evaporates the water, moves the clouds, which rain down, erode the soil, change the earth. The only other natural power not effected by it is the hot core of the earth. Pulsing, moving, shifting the earth, pushing and pulling, mountains and valleys. Two greater forces. Out of my control If there are these, how can there not be others? Moving the planets, the stars, the galaxies? Sound and light. Heat and gravity. Great forces that manifest on very small and very large scales and everywhere in between. Can there not be others? A creative force in the Universe? A Higher Power that runs through all and everything and one? That guides? I lisen for it. But my faith is just waking. My desire to change is a seedling. Though really, do I have any power over my change at all? Everything changes. But nothing changes. All is uncertainty. That is the only certainty.
Service to others, will bring service to yourself.
I am wary, i am hesitant, but I open myself. I am willing to let go and let myself be taken care of. Because I can't do it myself.

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