Sunday, October 18, 2009

11:53 dining room

We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them.
- Charles C. West
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.
- Mark Twain
Back in June, with two great girls, I wrote out some goals. Its been a while since I looked at them, but it was a nice refresher. Some are surprising (forgotten), others are accomplished, some are lost in space. But I know its very important to have these ideas thought out and put in space outside my head, and I think I also need to print them. Maybe read them every day when I get home. Recently I also wrote out “my perfect day”, an exercise from a financial self-help book I read a while ago. Its vague, but right now, I feel like any specifics wouldn’t be honest, because I don’t know what would make me happy. Because I know I need to open myself up to the Universe and be lead to what will be right for me.
Still working on that. The opening up part. Tonight I overate past want, and it turned out to be a perplexing situation. I sat with a cup of hot water in lemon, just sitting, feeling the effects of too much food in my body. One of the cats has been using my bathtub as a litter box, and all of us assumed it was Rosie, the Black One, with the crazed running rampages, the crooked tail, and the squeaky meow. There is a sign on the door that asks whoever used the bathroom last to close it. But it was open, with the light on, because I was about to brush my teeth. Nina, the elder cat, went in, and I thought nothing of it, she usually drinks out of the toilette. But after a few minutes she snaked out and I went in to find a disgusting pile of her leftovers on the floor. The blame was laid on the wrong cat all along! Then I thought, if I hadn’t eaten and sat in that chair, I would have never seen that. But now I have another thought- who says I wouldn’t have still been here even if I hadn’t been eating. I was watching a movie on Netflix. I could have stopped eating and continued watching it. Details…
In my brother’s bathroom upstairs, he has pictures of a trip to Paris he took a couple years ago. The bathroom used to be mine, and I painted the ceiling red and put a fish border around it. I also covered the switch plate with wall paper that read in large pale rose letters, “Paris”. Hm. Interesting.
I don’t have to be in perfect shape to do the things Im interested in doing. Hiking, surfing, horse back riding, skiing, other sports and adventures. Maybe that’s a lesson Im supposed to be learning. Ive always thought, when Im in better shape, I can do this. But who says I can’t do it now? No one. It would be easier if I was physically fitter. But maybe what I need to concentrate on is my mental strength. The strength of faith, of letting go of perfection. Of focusing on the moment, of being in the moment. Ive written these same statements over and over and over and I will probably write them a thousand more. There is something about the slow process of learning, of change. Of absorbing it until it becomes second nature, first thought. I dream of this day. But for now, I am grateful for the day I lived today. One where I could spend time with my family, where I could defuse my anger, where I could spend casual time with friends, and put away anxiety of food for a little while. Where I could pay attention to what people were saying.
Written august 14th
torn. confused. between
homebody and social butterfly
comfy and beauty.
can i be both? can i be neither? can i be so all encompassing that i am outside the realm of either?
felt very lost. feel a bit more grounded now. after a cry. after a talk with guiding spirit, mother god. and mum.
tomorrow is another day. tonight is beautiful.
Written september 2nd
i think ive been watching too much dexter. i feel so dark, so detached from the light. so convinced that if i leave the dark for the light, ill just be floating around with no bearings. which might happen. which isnt a bad thing.
im hanging onto the past. the past is good, to teach lessons, to make into stories. but we cant live there, we cant go back, we cant carry it around with us.
i think im going crazy. or maybe its finally coming to the surface, the real crazy. scarily, i feel like i have Dexter to thank for that. so honest. so unguarded. in his mental dialogue.
this is not me. i dont know who i am, that is for my higher power to reveal to me, to guide me to. but i know i am not this. please god no, i am not this. lost, confused, apathetic in place of fear and lonliness. heartburn.
i really like the red cross, my co-workers. i dont want to fuck that up to.
the chaos, the insanity, the rising anxiety when i think about not being able to eat.
one day at a time. tonight, im not purging. easier than not bingeing, but a concious choice, led by a feeling, not to exercise.
but to sleep. i need sleep.
and sanity. and serenity. and to not worry about answers. to let go of control.
please higher power, give me a sign that its going to be all right. that im not going to kill myself in frustration. if this is what you want me to work through, i will try to accept it. i just need to see that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. please. am i depressed? should i see a doctor? because i dont understand how i can do this to myself.
cry every night.
i beat myself down tonight. what is that? please come find me. come love me. come help me.

I still have a long way to travel, a long road ahead on this journey. But I am grateful for these small changes. I hold onto them in clasped hands as I pray to a Higher Power,
“I have come this far. I will not turn back. I cannot turn back. I will not turn back. Guide me, show me love, help me laugh, help me serve. Help me find love.”

Great quotes on Discovery:
“It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end.”
– Ursula LeGuin
“To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping."
– Chinese Proverbs
“One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.”
– AndrĂ© Gide “Exploration is really the essence of the human spirit.”
– Frank Borman
"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."
– TS Eliot
“We must go beyond textbooks, go out into the bypaths and untrodden depths of the wilderness and travel and explore and tell the world the glories of our journey.”
– John Hope Franklin
“I soon realized that no journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within.”
– Lillian Smith
“All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.”
– Martin Buber
“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”
– Marcel Proust
“One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his greatest surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn't.”
– Henry Ford
“The greatest discoveries have come from people who have looked at a standard situation and seen it differently.”
– Ira Erwin
“Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character. Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul.” (minus the exploitation)
– Author Unknown
I wake up, on this perfect day, with someone who I am completely comfortable with, respect and love and who I want to be with. Myself, other person, a pet...In a relationship that balances, not one that fill deficiencies
I am in a comfortable, clean, nurturing, serene, thoughtful, uplifting space. There is sunshine, there is water.
I work with people, inside and outside, i am helpful and friendly and surrounded by like minded folk. I make moderate, comfortable money. I am helping others/and designing- physically creating or making. I look fresh and awake, ready for a new day- its challenges, its joys, its possibilities. I am wearing comfort and inspiration. I travel by bike/scooter/moto/bus/car.
After work I job/swim/yoga/ water my garden, read. I am with myself, best friends, lucas, aubrey.
The evening is warm and bright over a home cooked meal with friends/family. It is relaxing and enriching.
At night, as I get into bed and lay to sleep and dream, I am grateful for serenity, for not being in a dark prison of food, for having challenges, for having peace, goals and direction. I look forward to the future with faith in the universe and love. I am excited for travels and spending time with friends and projects. I am dreaming of my stone house with the orchard and the garden and the small barn. and maybe a creek.

this is my dream. a dream. I will nuture it. And watch it grow and change, as I hope to grow and change. Higher Power, please help me let go, please help me embrace you. I am afraid; I am willing.

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