its patience. takes patience to see the miracles. like saving a piece of writing given to you in high school because it holds something special for you. then 5 years later giving passing it on to your brother. who, who knows, might find some inspiration in it and use it in his life. or pass it on to someone else who might...
the possibilities are endless. the results may never be known. but if i am open, if i listen, i can hear whispers, see glimers of wings, flashes of lights.
memories are coming to me. emotions of the past. but i have to be open. i have to be willing. i have to surrender to the universe to be able to hear it. its always talking- i just have to shut my mouth and pay attention. by letting go.
a firm hand on the bathroom counter, a strong voice in my head. my own voice, but reason coming from somewhere deep inside, a light shining, a light connected to the stars. i believe. i believe in the magic inside me. i want to open it, to feel like im blooming. but i also want the pleasure from eating. and with one's voice comes the other's silence.
my sides are sore, from my muscles trying to contain the volume of my stomach. but love helped me stop. there is always a stop, but this stop was strong, and firm. i am humble, i am grateful.
and yet even as i wonder in the spiritual experience i just encountered, so do i have fear that that love will leave me. a fear of abandonment. i have to remind myself, it is always there. always speaking, reaching out. i just have to listen and let go of my hold on the disease and reach out to meet it. let go of the log and reach for the shore. slowly but surely. progress not perfection.
many of these thoughts and ideas have been stated and repeated, but i think that is a lesson of the program. a way we understand things.
i want to live in a house of magic. a beautiful house of love and wonder. design is beauty and magic and love to me. i want to live in a house of design. maybe i can start with this room.
but to fully realize my dreams, i thought this as i was eating and reading a book about the ancient figure Memmnon, i have to reach for them. if i want to ride a horse, i have to take action. i have to go to bed. i have to sit, to lay with myself. i have to pray to god to embrace me and guide me. i have to let go.
I had a thought the other night, about curiosity, creativity and choice. that these are the burdens and beauties of life. they are aspects and themes of amazing and awesome proportions. with them, we walk the line between destruction and creation. walking the line, between fascination and fear- between everything, really.
"Fall seven times, stand up eight."- Japanese proverb
"We only go around once. There's really no time to be afraid. So stop. Try something you’ve never tried. Teach it. Do it. Risk it."- Jon Blais
Last night I went to a Mariner's game with co-workers and had a very good time, lots of laughter, but felt myself growing tired and disinterested by the end. but pushed by the wind of angel's wings into the safety of the shower and into bed, so grateful for that. and grateful for the embodiment of strength in my soul tonight, to stop me from continuing my overeating.
i am pained but i forgive. and i hold hope in my chest like a grain of sand in a clamshell.
grateful for small successes.
i am fearful of tomorrow night's babysitting job, because i have always overeaten on their candy in the past. i will bring my literature, and make outreach calls during the day and see if they can text me at night, and just pray pray pray. and love. to take the place of emptiness, of lonliness that usually accompanies me on those outings.
thank you god for being with me, for staying with me. i really want to experience the high on sunday, but i feel the block against it. i cant commit yet. please have patience with me.