Sunday, October 11, 2009

12:18 bedroom

I feel like im in this terrible bubble out in space, in the space between space, the empty vaccumes between actual matter. just rolling around and around. insanity. where am i going. where is this going. when will my jumped train stop flying through the air and crash and burn. or maybe it already has and im a ghost hovering at the crash scene, unable to recognize im dead, unable to leave, to move on. thats what i feel like. a solid ghost. cold from the emptiness, burning from the flames.
each day is passing, im moving with each day, but feeling like im leaving pieces of me behind with each passing night. until i truly become the nothing i feel.
please, i pray to feel. i pray for a desire, a passion. a care that is sustained. no more of these different attitudes.
crying, trying to stay focused, now just getting silly from lack of sleep.
my body is slowly slowly degenerating. make it stop. because i dont care enough to. please help me find myself. a self. that wnts to sleep and live, not to eat and bury and scream.
i still enjoy warmth. i still enjoy cold. heaven forbid these pleasures leave me.
they say happiness is the erradication of all wants. the removal of desire.
ive lost my desire. and i am not happy. i am lost, i feel dead. i feel like i am wandering in a technicolor purgatory. like everything is real around me,but im not supposed to be here. im present, but disconnected.
i feel sick, ill. wait, i thought i didnt feel. well, at least i notice something now.
this change of mind, this alteration of state is fucked up. one minute despairing, the next noticing a title of a book and dreaming about palaces.
just take me away. this sounds spoiled and surly and pettish, but just take me away and either end it or give me a draught that enlivens my soul and enlightens my mind. please.
frusterated but grateful for heaters. hate sounding childish and petty. but thats pretty much me right now. AGH.

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