Sunday, October 4, 2009

12:35 bedroom

Dear Body,
Please forgive me for the years of abuse I have done to you. The amount of harassment I have used would never be tolerated in any other situation, if another person to me, or me to another person. Yet here I tear down my own host, one of the parts of my being, a third of my entity. And without wholeness of each part, there is little chance of true integrity.
I am sorry for the amount of food I forced in you. I am sorry for the amount of food I withheld. And I am sorry for punishing you with exercise when my mind felt weak.
However, Body, we have a disease. And so part of my actions were beyond my control. And secondary actions, such as isolation, seemed like I was incapable of resisting.
I am beginning to understand the truth. That I do have a disease. But that I can do actions, I can take steps to alleviate the symptoms, and move beyond it. I have learned I need to let go of control. I admit I am powerless over food, and that my life has become unmanageable, because I was destroying you, as well as stagnating my mind and suffocating my soul. But I have learned, and am strengthening my belief, in a stronger power that can relieve me of my anger, my sadness. A stronger, higher power, which has a path for me and is guiding me towards a better future. The power is all through the universe, the power of collective energies combined, and it is Love. A loving energy, a guiding spirit. And everything is a part of it, if we so choose to open up and listen. Seen and unseen. Mind, angels, emotions… I am coming to believe physical and intangible are all interconnected.
Body, let us work, play, pray and live together. Though a positive action, exercise has been used in a negative manner, when in partnership with the insanity of the disease. But I feel truly, exercise is a freedom. It is a spiritual act, letting my energy build and release. It will take time, but together lets untangle physical movement from perverse body image and expectations. Let us use it to boost our spirit and clear our mind. And strengthen you, for the peace of the moment, for the challenges ahead.
I need abstinence to connect to myself, to my higher power, to the Universe, to embrace Love, to feel God and be open to its guidance. I also need abstinence for you. For you are my host, my lover till the end of my days, and I have treated you with ill will in the past. Please, let us forgive each other, for I have been angry all at you for having this disease, though it is emotional and spiritual as well. Let us forgive, and work together, to open ourselves completely to Love. To be guided into our future.
I pray for faith to help me take action. I pray for faith to help me believe I will be taken care of. I pray for faith to respect you, Body.
Thank you for your unconditional love and support. I hope to now offer you the same in return.
You, Me, Us. For we are a part of each other that can never be separated.
I can, and will, act as if the 12 steps of OA will help me lead a spiritual life and guide me into and strengthen my faith in God. and through the 12 steps, and my faith in the universe, i can, and act as if, i beleive i will find a purpose and a meaning of life, and that then i will also find a purpose and meaning of my life, because i will understand how my life integrates with that of all life. instead of feeling like an empty box with stickers and things all over the outside, i will feel whole and integrated. im not sure what metaphor to use yet because i do not know what this will look like. i can, and will, act as if the OA program of abstienence, fellowship, and spirituality will help me find meaning and purpose in life, and myself. or vice versa. that i will eventually wake up each day with a sense of humility, wonder and conviction. not with a sense of unease or dread. but that even if i am in trying circumstances, i will still wake with a strong faith in the universe. maybe the point of life is to rise above suffering, whatever guise afflicts you. maybe the point of love is to help you on your journey. help you open yourself up to the universe. the universe doesn't want you to suffer. that is what im told anyway. i will listen. maybe this is part of the plan, to rise above suffering. if that were so, we all suffer, one way or another. and so then it is in that shared suffering we can kind commonality and kinship and strength. those who have come before me share their wisdom. they say, keep coming back, keep working the program. it is not humble of me to ignore that. despite my misgivings about life itself. my beef is with life, not the program. so i shouldnt turn my back on that. i will act as if. because i can. an image. of me in a small one room ochre colored mud house. it is cool inside. there are no furnishings in my direct gaze out the doorway. i wear a plain linen or cotton shift. there is sand outside. and a blue ocean beyond. the sun shines bright and hot and a breeze blows. i am plain, i am simple, i am at peace. i am more than at peace, i am content. with water, and wind, and sunshine. serenity.

"The direction of your focus is the direction your life will move. Let yourself move toward what is good, valuable, strong and true.""The things that fill your awareness are the things that will fill your life and your world. So expand your awareness beyond your own concerns and toward the best of what can be.""Look up and look confidently toward the highest vision you can imagine. The moment you do, you're on your way there."

On Loss and Grief: "Give yourself a lot of space. When you lose someone you love, parts of you go crazy. Your emotions go on a rollercoaster. Let them go crazy. Cry when you need to cry, laugh if you share a funny memory. Listen to your body and let your emotions take you where you are...Let the people around you know what you need...Know that you are most likely going to want different things each day—sometimes each hour, and that is okay; it’s part of the process. Communicate...Grief, when trapped in the body, has the potential to create sickness. It can also heighten grief and push you into a deeper depression. Movement of the body helps “unstick” your grief...Try to allow yourself times of relief by doing something you enjoy...There is also something healing about trying new experiences when you are vulnerable because it can bring a form of diversity that helps you focus on something besides your pain. It won’t take away the pain away, but it will give your heart a break and give you a taste of peace amidst the storm...Honor the memory...Read about it...It’s comforting to read about someone who understands what you are feeling."

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