Sunday, October 25, 2009

11:56 bedroom

Sunday night, time for bed soon. Its funny how its so much harder to write something when you aren't feeling intense feelings of frustration or contemplation. When I just, "am", its harder for me to grasp a concept or a topic to shape my entry around. But I suppose I need to think about the idea that no moments are mundane. Every moment can feel special if you just bring yourself into a clear focus. Action matters not, its the presence of your entire being in that moment.
Dressed up for a early halloween party last night, and was very excited about my costume as i left the house. But on the drive over and as I neared the party, I began to feel nervous. I didn't know anyone who was going to be there besides two people, and I didn't know how many people were going to show up, total. For some reason, the thought of a large group intimidated me, where it usually has the opposite effect, as I can blend in. But I suppose you can't completely grasp your bearings in a large group, because there are too many people to keep tabs on and therefore to know exactly what is going on in the environment around you. So the lack of control is what throws off my balance. I even admitted feeling fearful as I found a parking spot on the street. But understanding and acknowledging that helped alleviate that fear by half. And I repeated to myself the mantras, "Whatever happens, I'll handle it" and "Where ever I go, I'm never alone". And both came about. The house was great, a big old turn of the century mansion that was now a co-op. And it was a potluck event so the tables were overflowing with delicious, healthy and vegetarian food and deserts. And lots of beer. More beer than I should have drank, but its been a while. Danced off the layers of my costume then danced up on a boy in a straight jacket. Ended up going home with him, which turned out to be a very good thing, except for the terrible hangover. Lying with him in bed for hours this morning, aimlessly chatting, trying to doze off the pounding in my head, felt...natural. We will see what comes of this. Maybe nothing, maybe something beautiful. I let go of control and give myself to the universe :p
"The deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves." We deceive others because we are not okay with revealing our discomfort, our uncertainty with ourselves. Deception is a loaded word, that carries a negative connotation. But I think I mislead people simply because I am confused about a situation and my emotions are churning, spinning like wheel of fortune, who knows what amount i will land on. With food, however, this is entirely true. When I try to hide food from others, act non-chalante about food issues, it is because I am hiding from myself, from facing the challenge of letting go, of moving on. I deceive everyone in my house when i sneak food, but i'm first deceiving myself. its terrible to feel guilty about eating. But I still carry that around with me. And I think thats one of my biggest defects, thinking everyone is watching what I eat, concerned with/judging what i eat. Being self-absorbed. Deceiving people about not going out, about not joining in on activities, about cancelling plans, because of food. I say "i'm tired", "I want to stay in tonight", "I feel like relaxing", "I don't want to drive". Which may very well be true. But I have to add "because I want to/feel like I need to eat" after each excuse. I will try to face each day, each moment honestly, with an openness and willingness to the universe and its guidance. I pray for serenity. Grateful for inspiration (this turned out to be not so short of a post).

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