Wednesday, October 14, 2009

12:26 computer room

A satisfying day of two presentations, an afternoon nap, an evening Thunderbirds hockey game with Sarah and Katie and work buddies...
After resisting the desire to eat at night, refusing the craving, with the strength of a greater power than myself, I feel released. But I don't feel good.
After eating - after eating over what i should, but not out of control - I feel good. I feel some sort of relaxation and numb stillness.
Gummy vitabears, apple, bag of popcorn, large bowl of cereal, 5 slices of bread (2 with peanut butter).
I am stable right now. I feel business like. Social worker business like maybe. But outwardly calm. These actions, the overeating, the exercising late, the reduced sleep, these are not healthy for me. My body, my mind and the soul they encase.
I am willing. But I think I have to do this slightly different. I have to let go slowly, because it is the only way any lasting impact is going to happen. I am willing for change, but I also understand my great Fear I have inside. The fear that kept me wrapped in a blanket in my bed this afternoon, safe under the covers. There was magic outside, in the wind, in the sky, and it was so tangible, even though its what i yearn for, it was frightening.
I thought today, that mysetery is like the yin and magic like the yang. Mystery is that passive, secretive energy, while magic is energetic. More thoughts on those later perhaps. I seek both. Yet I am wary of the bend. I stand poised to look around the corner, but so afraid I think my heart might pound out of my chest. Afraid of actually taking the plunge.
I have to do this slowly. But always aware. I must never let myself be unaware of myself and emotions. Even if I choose to not feel them, I must not ignore them.
A willingness to change, but a cry to my higher power, that if i let myself Feel all at once, I might drown. I stand in the shallow waters on the shore of my island. I look out at the vastness that surronds me. If I start swimming I will eventually get somewhere. But I want to make this a true swim, not returning to the island when im scared of a storm. I will take this slow. I will build my strength as I let go of food. I will build my confidence as I search deeper into myself and deeper into the idea and meaning of faith. I will build my courage as I let myself love. Slowly. Slowly.
Grateful for life. Grateful for each day. And its possiblities, its challenges, its joys.

No comments:

Post a Comment