Monday, November 30, 2009

11:23 living room

i need to get to bed.
but it was a really good day. happy. =fulfilling: connected, accomplished, loved and loving. And not obsessing about food. It was present, but a good present. A great meeting, lots of emotions and empathy and looking back and looking forward and being realistic. The compulsion is like having headphones in, the speaker explained. Insanity is when its a blaring that isolates you from everything else. The program helps you turn downt the volume. Yes, another share continued the image, but I have to remember, even when they are hanging around my shoulders, that they are hanging around my shoulders. I will always have these headphones with me, I can't ever forget that. The program helps me practice recovery, she said, so that when i really need help, its a lot easier to use the tools, because i've conditioned myself to turn to them, rather than food. You can't go past it, B said, rubbing her eyes, you have to go through it. Through the fire, my step-dad agrees.
Today was a good day and I can hang on to it for what it was. I pray to remain focused though, and present, and not let one good day take me away from my reality, my headphones. Helping the bro on his college application. A valiant effort but not enough to make the difference for years worth of slack. Just like one day isn't going to brush away years worth of spiritual yearning and mental unbalance.
Time. Time, time, time.
Grateful for fellowship. Grateful for solitude. I pray to nurture my humility and compassion. I pray for the strength and courage to dedicate to program. To commit to spiritual recovery. To look my fear in the face, and walk past it. Grateful for electricity.

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