a unfurling of anger, a resurgence. a two-binge afternoon and night, intermixed with true problem solving and social interaction. a short catch up with claire.
two sessions. maybe a wake up call to heed the inner voice inside when it beckons. to not let the light flicker with my ignorance. I need some space. To breath. to think. to come again to my inner self. I need meetings for perspective. Steps for action. Together 'inspiration and applied knowledge'. Success according to Jay Kordich, juice master. Borrowed his book from the library a month ago, and just started flipping through it tonight, two days after its due date has passed. Interesting. But then my sister walked into the room with a bag full of licorice. And I ate some. Then some quiche. Then a bag of graham crackers. Etc. Following a long extended afternoon over eating binge. Truly a binge, a hasty, bordering on frantic, stuffing food into my mouth, food I don't even like, food I would rather not eat. Cat one to the vet. Having litter box issues because she is stressed out by Cat two. So says vet. I just want her to stop pooping in my bathroom. Fixing the broken window and cleaning out my car tonight I realized that the thief had actually thieved- a pair of sunglasses and my expensive prescription sunglasses were gone. One out of the case, the other case and all. Angry. But mum mentioned she might still be able to get me on her coverage, now that she has a job again. Yay for being tied even snugger to the parents. Which Im not so sure why I think is such a bad thing. Something I blame for overeating. Could be a frustration of lack of control. But I think thats all mental. Mum mentioned a few times lately how my sharp reactions to her opinions are because I feel like she is judging me. Which is true. But just like I put meaning into Jerry's steps when he's in the kitchen, so do I put meaning into the implications of my mum's words. They are words. I give them shading. And I take them defensively because Im judging myself through her. Making excuses and false convictions for what im really not sure about. I think thats the kicker. She brings to light my uncertainty when I am uncertain. Talked a bit to A tonight, but it felt a bit flat. She was super perky as usual, and I generally feel cynical after overeating.
Tomorrow, today, is another day. Perspective, God, please grant me perspective. Creative spirit, that lives in everything, including me, please help me find some meaning in action. In work. In play. I need a hobby. Something to occupy my time. Exercising is fun, but its losing its appeal as a pastime. I wish for serenity. I wish for something to show for the many hours of leisure I have. Besides circles under my eyes. Besides ranting blog entries.
Grateful for OA. Grateful for different perspectives. Grateful for difference.