Thursday, November 5, 2009

11:33 pm Kitchen

2 more nights abroad and now I have returned home and returned to the binge. A night at a boy's, a night at a girl's. A full day of work, a bit of stress at the end, and a welcomed overeating after dinner. But sneaked, and scared. It really is control. This is one of the main issues. I don't feel like I have any control over myself at home, because I feel like Im answerable to the household, but especially mum. I feel like every action, every move needs to be a certain way. And this is a defect. Reliance on my mother. Something i need to understand, let go of, and move past. Step 4, here I come.
I need to be accountable for my actions. Take ownership of them. Feel answerable to myself, and not guilty when I do what I want to do. Let go of feeling like i need to perform for other people, like they expect me to perform in a certain way. Who are they to tell me who i am? What feels right for me? I don't want to ignore other opinions, i would like to welcome them. But I need to learn how to listen and then sort; to distinguish sound advice from self-criticism imposed into the words or look from another person. I want to be understanding of myself, confident with my ideas and actions, so that if someone finds them disagreeable, I dont have to disagree with that person, I just let them think what they want to think. And not obsess over their thoughts, or obsess that they are thinking about me.
I think this next week will be good. A week in the 'home' space, but alone, under my terms. Yes, this is controlling, but I think getting a feel for living in this space without bingeing will set a habit for when the family returns from their soujourn in Arizona. Day by day. Prayers of gratitude in the morning, prayers of gratitude in the night. Need to figure out a middle break. So its not so straight through and i dont feel crazy by the time i get home. A step back from everything, after work, before home. Its too bad it gets dark so early, otherwise I would enjoy walks. have to make do, stretch the imagination. Maybe just stretch the body too. Ah, stretching...mind, body and soul. Reflection in the morning. Reflection in the evening. Flow out the day, prepare for tomorrow.
Grateful for lotion. For stepping back. For pulling together. For holding myself to myself. For love of others. For connection with others, that has to grow gradually, bit by bit, a piece at a time.

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