Sunday, November 29, 2009

12:21 am

(last night, i wrote:
my stomach is itchy and my nipples are painfully tight. i had nuts tonight, the top food I should not eat. But they were here, around me all day. I think i did well until them. I ate a large dinner early but then brushed my teeth. Watching a movie tonight, i was hungry around 10:30, late to be eating, but I had an apple and peanut butter and was satisfied. Except for those damn nuts. So i had some grapes instead. But then finally caved to the plastic bucket, WHEN MY MOTHER AND STEPDAD had left. But I did well the rest of the day, eating breakfast and snack and lunch and stopping.
But I ignored two calls from A. I finally printed some pictures out at costco, of friends and me. But i think its a bit hypocritical to savour the static memories of film and leave real (present moment) connections unheeded. Fog tonight, a bright moon. A cold night, no cloud cover.
I wish I had not over eaten at dinner so I wouldn't feel compelled to not eat the rest of the night. I wish I hadn't eaten those nuts and grapes. But wishful thinking of the past will only let more present moments pass by and be wished for again.
Today was an odd day, but tomorrow is a new day. Another day. I pray to capture magic. To find it in the world, in myself. Grateful for imagination in its many forms. Watched Hellboy II tonight, amazing costume and makeup. And fantastical storyline. Half Pan's Laybrinth, half Lord of the Rings. Great :) Truly, I wish to be a warrior. A peaceful one if it may happen. I know I have a long way to go. And maybe a teacher. A teacher I seek...)
Tonight, I write:
Fibrously bubbly and waterly bloated from who knows what, during babysitting tonight. But...but. I feel present. Aware that my attitude is what counts. Just starting to read the forward to Victor Frankl's "Search for Meaning". Sounds fascinating. We cant change our circumstances but we can always control our response to our surroundings. And that life isn't inherently a search for pleasure, but for meaning. Amen. Now how to cut the restraints of the illness and walk free in that search. I can't control that I have this sickness. But I can control my response. Which, rationally, would be to seek spiritual solace and consular guidance. Individually or in group. I am on the journey of recovery. Please, I pray for the strength to look around me and listen to the voices of the spirits rather than just stumbling along looking at my feet. A talk with A, not exactly present, but it was what it needed to be. I would that i could hold onto this present focus. This feeling of being Here. Come to a point where the focus is total, complete. I hope, someday.
Hope. Blooming eternal. Even when all the petals fall, the wick is still green. I forgive myself tonight, and I am grateful for feeling that a positive attitude can make all the difference. Tired. Grateful for a sturdy house.

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