Sunday, November 8, 2009

12:40 computer room

rooms in the house chilly, because all the doors are shut. The family is away for a week, and i am charged with fall cleaning. which means pets out of as many rooms as possible. having bathroom issues with the cats, who are disdaining to use their litter boxes. and the dog tracks in about a gallon of muddy water from each trek out into the rain.
cleaning spree after i got home from babysitting tonight, in the zone. a few instances of temptation for food, but managed to sweep by them. In charge of the house tonight, its my territory. So i don't feel the urge to stuff food down my throat in order to shove anxiety away, or to compensate for a lack of control.
ate junk food and junk dinner at babysitting, but eventually stopped and brushed my teeth. The issue now is how bad a binge is, not whether i binge or not. But progress, not perfection. Also, I can now claim a 'partner in recovery' with a girl who is similar to me with perfection and control issues. Im sure we all have them, but i feel really comfortable talking to her, especially about slip ups and mistakes.
I am grateful for this day. Early drive to the airport before sunrise, then back through the rain to bed. Raskal was visibly depressed with the empty house, but i left for a few hours anyway to go downtown to hang with the boy. relaxed, entertaining. back for pudding, then on to babysitting.
grateful for this night. of productivity. and now sleep. thankful for this week, to breath, to reach inside. to dive for the inner light, with an absense of chaos around me. to gain strength in order to swim through the chaos when it returns, and keep a stillness, a peace, a serenity inside.

No comments:

Post a Comment