Wednesday, November 11, 2009

12:00am living room

a bit to the side of the first spot.
been sitting here a while, fiddling with email and various things available for research at my fingertips through the internet. a.k.a time passers. no, not porn. well, unless you consider snow to be sexual. which, actually...a good ski day can be much better than sex.
Commitment was the topic of today’s daily reader, and I tried to embody that feeling as I drove to work late (slept two hours over my alarm). I gave blood, I felt quesy, I dropped the presentation I had to tonight in Sarah’s lap. I felt guilty, I came home and went straight to the food. Hard, a hard hit straight to my emotions, battering them out of the way. Until I stopped, and they came rushing back in a fury. And I cried as I talked to my mum over the phone. I cried and nodded and listened and tried to gather my thoughts.
little pieces of the ice block…melt it bit by bit; if I screw up, I can try another way
glass half full
congratulate about all the little tiny things along the way
get the crap out. Now the good stuff.
Im okay. Im worthy. I can do whatever I put effort into.
Im so scared, about the uncertainty of the future.
It’s a disease. You have to give it medicine. And celebrate the small changes, the small betters.
Dealing with fear, a little bit at a time
Facing time, facing the growth of patience
I can be wrong. I can make mistatkes. I am not perfect.
Have to turn everything we think, upside down. Opposite of the stinking thinking. The ‘good’ way.
I will never be able to explain everything about my feelings.
It takes a long time to get there,
Yes and
I don’t have to prove my pain
Its okay to do things for ME
I can learn anything.
Then I called friends and talked and shared with them. And even later, under a hot stream of water, came the acknowledgement again, that we need fellows, other human,: to encourage, to congratulate, to console EACH OTHER, this is what we do, what we must accept for ourselves as well. Talking to the empty house, to myself, out loud: It’s happened, it was crappy, it was shitty but I can let it go and move on. That doesn’t have to ruin my tomorrow or even the rest of my night. Its happened, its done, and now I can move on to positive thinking. To ‘good’ thinking. I am worthy. I can learn anything. I can do anything I set my mind to. I have a strong mind. I have a strong body. I have a strong spirit. I can listen. I can learn. I can learn how to relax. After work, I will practice relaxing. Sounds contrary, to actively relax ;) I will lie down, I will listen to soft music, I will listen to my heart, to my breathing. I will let go of tension, I will let go of thoughts. I will read literature. I will have a cup of tea. This will be from 20 minutes to an hour. To make sure I am not hungry, I will make sure to eat something, even a little, before I leave work. So when I get home, I can go to my room, and rest and relax and release. And then decide how to go about the rest of the evening. This, I will do tomorrow. Meditation, reading, tea. Not necessarily in that order. But all three. Rest, relax, release. And connect to a Higher Power, my Inner Self, a guiding, spiritual force. “When we are unable to stay connected with our inner selves, we create anxiety and distress.” Finding Balance.
Please God, help me find strength and courage to let go of food tomorrow and hold onto self-awareness.
Attitude makes all the difference. My glass is half full. I am wholly grateful for the space in the morning to dance.

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