Monday, November 23, 2009

12:12 am

Please, God - Greater Powers - Forces and spirits of the Earth and Universe - Inner Spirit, Inner Light and Darkness -
help me overcome this illness.
help me find solace for my spiritual confusion and fear.
help me find serenity
help me find balance.
help me build patience and humility.
help me draw on the courage and love of the spiritual universe.
I am grateful for hope. Hope for something Good. Something good out there, in my future, in my present. Something that is waiting for me.
Hope for strength.
To stop hurting myself.
I am grateful for the wonders and opportunities of my life. Please, God, help me find courage and strength and patience and humility to work with them to create Good. To find and share Love. And come to a point of acceptance of my Life.
Do what feel right, now. Take joy in small moments, but keep your eyes lifted ahead. Open, clear and alert. Listen. Love. Be heard. Share.
I spent last night with C. Too much groping at the show, and the music itself was too loud and punk. Entertaining, but I couldn't really get into it. Then we walked around for a while after, him repeating himself and attention seeking. On my nerves, but I was enough bemused to not really address it. He was too drunk to talk to anyway. A slightly cold drive to the house he was dog sitting at, and a rally in the hot-tub, im sure to the delight of his neighbors; hopefully the jets were loud enough. An exhausted sleep and slow wake up, but an unexpectedly bursting orgasm. Dress, back to his place for lunch. Very tired. Talked a little about Shaun, not sure why, but it felt right. Burned a CD, YouTube videos of dogs and spongebob and pugs. Laughed, but tired. Skipped a Thanksgiving party, though I think I would have enjoyed it if I went. Home and binge. Though I called A first. But still went right into it. Overdrive. Then break, to town for recycling and groceries. Then back to dinner. Then pie at the neighbors. Both nice. But then a late night binge. Started with an orange. Then more, then bread, crackers, typical sugars and carbs. Then candy. Watching a documentary called "Deliver us from evil" about the Catholic church's cover up of pedagogy pedophilia. Stopped eating, finally. Sunken. Sadness, the soul tumbling like my shoes in the dryer, banging against my walls. The tears come, reaching into the eyes of my reflection for truth, for answer. For strength. For hope. Please, help me overcome this illness, help me find spiritual solace.
Now anger, starting to heat. But anger will get nothing. It feels good for the moment. But so does bingeing.
Its you, God. Earth. Universe. Powers. Forces. Force. I reach out. For guidance. For courage. For strength. For humility. For love. Love.

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