Sunday, November 15, 2009

11:09 game room

Feeling lonely tonight. A gaping hole in my chest, a black vortex, sucking myself into it. A feeling of sadness, mild despair. Yes, and; my body is a part of me, but it is not all of me. It may be hurting, but that doesn't dictate that the rest of me has to shut down. I can still reach out, I can still reach in. Frustrated with the overall scope of my over eating this extended weekend. Feels like a normal part of my life. Feels like. Because its not and it never will be 'normal' to live with a depressed spirit. We are not meant to be lonely and sad. There is serenity and joy abounding in this world, we just have to reach out and be open to it. I'm going to do a little of step 4 before I go to bed, soon. Just a start, just to open the flood gates. I need to be inundated, I need to be tossed and turned and churned. I need to be submersed before I can swim to the surface. Reach the high shores above me so i can then climb the peaks towering even higher. Right now Im at the bottom of an empty hole. I need the water to fill it and cover me so i can reach the top.
Tomorrow will be a long day. I look forward to its productivity. I ask for strength to remain positive.
Grateful for these moments of awareness I am experiencing. Of the momentousness of the moment. Of just feeling me, being.
Grateful for friends to talk to and listen to and be listened by.

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