Thursday, November 19, 2009

11:27 living room

a full two days.
re-living shambhala in my mind. man, that dreamy place has a hold on my heart and imagination. Shook and swirled and shimmied in a place called 'Dancechurch' last night, with R from work. A non descript door with a home computer printed sign identifying it at the right place, a hesitant turn and push, then a lit smile grin at the wonderful surprise waiting inside. A room of freedom, of dance, of sweat, of tea, of two children running around, of serious bass and psychedelic light and art design. Welcome to the Transcendental Church of Bass. Sat down with a cup of chai for a while and tried to small talk over the pounding dub line, but eventually quieted and then not too long after stood up from the cushion and paced a few steps out on the polished cement floor. A loosening, a lifting of the ego. The body- thick and tight, then smooth and fluid. A ball of energy morphing with the circles of energy around you, all merging to become one collective pool of energy swirling around the room; you can feel it with the palms of your hand, push it around, play with it. Sweat drips off the tips of my tangled hair. One guy in flaming pants with silver sequins around the bottom, another looks like he just got done at the office. Someone in a golf sweater, someone in a little black dress and hooker boots, swaying hips with a secret but full smile on her face. A guy all in dark, with a hat, who i share casual glances with. But im lost in my own world. Of rubbery arms and pounding feet and head circles and inner laughter. at this freedom. no drugs. no booze. no thoughts. just...freedom. behind me the the muscle bound slim blond gleams in the low lights, sweat covering his torso. Another woman covers her head in a loose woven red scarf swaying. I could go on. and on. So many wonderful people. Sharing their passion with each other, through movement.
For a few hours, I feel lifted, I feel home.
Afterwards my mind felt risen, and I experienced the rise and fall and tightness of euphoria. Went over to the boys and had an interesting attempt at love making. A lovely rinse in the shower, then a relaxed cuddle into sleep. Walked out the next morning to broken glass around my car and a soaked seat. A moment of stun, then cynicism, then disbelief then reservation and determination. Other emotions followed throughout the day, frustration, tears, and anger. But through it all, I realized I wasn't angry at the person who did it. I was angry THAT they did it, but who they were wasn't my concern. I hope they soon come to a place where they don't have to break into people's cars to find money. And that soon after that they come to a place where they can face and atone for their mistakes. Much like I hope for myself. That soon I come to a place where I dont have to break my spirit to find a semblance of 'contentment'. At once I've had a piece of true serenity and understanding, I can face my past mistakes and ask for forgiveness and release and then move on in a positive direction.
I reached out today, to many people, and I am so thankful for this miracle. A long talk with Amy, a true heartfelt conversation. Listening and wanting to share. Maybe a bit too much, interrupted some. Knees aching a bit.
My car was broken into, but there are so many things I have to be grateful for, that I am grateful for because of this. Grateful for the support system I have. For empathy of friends and family. For options. For the fact that my purse was in the trunk. That nothing was stolen. It is a annoyance. My windows will be uneven, because now the replacement wont be tinted. But I think this break of the window was a needed break to my vanity. I still have a car to get me around. This will set me back some money, but I still have dollars left in the bank. I don't have to worry about not being able to afford next week's groceries. Or heating bill.
Thanks for the blessings of my life. But thanks also for the challenges. That help me remember the blessings.
peaceful and brave wishes out to the person who i feel hurt by. I hope they come into the means for change and find the strength in themselves to embrace it.

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