Tuesday, November 17, 2009

10:58 game room

its been a long evening. Just a handful of minutes ago I was about to play Wii with my brother when he realized the TV was missing from our rec room. A confrontation with our younger sister, an explosion of anger and frustration, a clenching of my stomach and a tightening of my head.
But I let it go. I thought, "I cant control her; her emotions, her anger. I cant control his frustration". But i can NOT react to it. I took a few deep slow breaths, walked around the house a bit trying to find the tv (something I could solve), and when I couldn't find it, sat back down to what I was doing. A few more slow breaths. And the tightening loosened. And I am grateful. Many moments of gratitude today. Stopping overeating after dinner. Annoyed by Jerry 'hovering' around my space and the kitchen, 'looking for snacks'. So I grabbed my toothbrush because it was something i could control. But then i realized that what i thought he was doing, was just my projected anxiety onto the situation. He could have been looking for a screwdriver, or getting his thoughts together. I was giving him actions that he wasn't doing. Judging without real examination. Grateful for A, my partner in recovery, and the consistant contact I have with her throughout the day. Grateful for her outreach to me. Grateful for understanding, my attitude is my choice. THAT is what I am responsible for. Mum read me a short piece from a book she is reading, as I curled under the cover on the toasty heating blanket on her bed. About insanity and sanity. The former being doing something over and over again and expecting to get different results. The latter being...cant remember the full phrase, but something about trying new things. A refreshing walk at lunch with K and R, the short loop around the park. And a sampling of the berries i love the look of so much. Disbelief at first when R popped one in his mouth, katie and i wide eyed, thinking he would drop in convulsions. But he smiled and said he ate them all the time, and wasn't he still alive? Hesitated and cupped one of the strange fruits in my hand until we arrived back at the building then finally nibbled at its squishy yellow flesh. Surprisingly sweet and a bit tangy. He sent me the wiki article on it not long after we were inside. Strawberry tree they are called. And the fruits are quite edible. Funny how we take risks like that. But R being one of the most low-risk people I know, it wasn't really that worrisome ;) Thinking about the time I had the panic attack in the weeds, swimming with R...
full day tomorrow. feel like i could write more, but am going to do a little more of step four, then try to sleep. a very intense dream last night, real, about a beach camp. woke up, then continued dreaming when i went back to sleep. S was in it and ectasy was involved and when i woke up the first time, i felt eupohoric. it was...surprising and a bit amazing.
Grateful for shelter.

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