Tuesday, November 17, 2009

12:06 bedroom

sleepy. which is very nice.
a long day traveling for work, including a late afternoon DAT call to a house suspected of fraud. A brief scan of work emails and then scurry over to the boy's house. Through the door, begin to check my email while I wait for him. A bit off for the evening, not sharp on my game. I know because, for the first half, I was contemplating the time I needed to leave to catch the end of the meeting I was going to go to. I was going to. Before his text saying he would be home relatively early (for his work schedule) and would i like to come over for fajitas. Which I did, want to, and do. A delicious, lovely meal, small talk while he did his laundry, youtube videos and james brown. Then a love making session that was shy an yet instinctual. In my 'off' state, but letting myself be carried away by the situation. *small shiver*. Giddy wrestling and soft chatting. But I needed to go home, because I didn't have anything for the night or next day. Which, I have to acknowledge, is something to be grateful for. That I understood I needed to leave, and I did. I couldn't say that for earlier about the meeting, but 1 out of 2 aint bad ;) Felt the facial expression's of the boy on my face during the drive home. His voice in my head, his impression on my psyche. Still a bit of residual aura around me.
"I would rather have roses on my table, than diamonds on my neck" -Emma Goldman
My hair smells like carmalized onions.
I need to work the 12 steps, be in meetings, practice connections. These are going to be the tools of my healing, the way of my recovery of a spiritual illness. A malady of deficiency. These will help me understand and overcome. These will help me let go and open myself to the wisdom of the universe. To be able to be guided by Love.
I am willing. I am grateful for today's abstinence. I am grateful for fellows. I am grateful for the moments of knowing and feeling and being true to myself. Grateful to be sleeping with myself tonight.

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