A good day, but feel distanced from my inner-self. Feeling like a child or trying to not feel like a child, but never quite finding the balance in between. I guess I can be thankful for feeling young because this will definitely be of benefit in later years ;) Combing through papers on my desk and floor, I found one sheet from the art walk I went to at the beginning of this month. Ross Sawyers "Contained Within". His photographs were striking, almost like paintings. Constructed rooms, empty mostly (one has a lonely pile of sawdust in one corner), except for billowing plastic, that look like ethereal spirits, around the glowing windows, that seem to hold either epiphany or Apocalypse behind them. Its description is pulling, i feel riveted by what it wants to convey: "The intensity and quality of the raking light take hold and pulls us into a world where nothing seems right. Each space appears solid, but its edges are too sharp and thin. There is little distance between inside and outside, locating a nuanced threat just beyond these rooms." I feel this now. In a place of transition, where things are uncertain. I feel fake; not deliberately, but like im trying to hold something together that Im not really sure what it looked like to start with. Clasping a jumble of blocks together with my hands, but knowing they don't belong like this. Knowing I have to let them all fall, and then begin to assemble the structure. I feel like i am transparent; and in contrast, im afraid to look inside, but i want the inside to burst out of this paper thin mold. Not angry; a little frustrated; uncertain. I think its time to delve more. To try to reach inside, to connect with a Higher Power by going deeper inward.
There is a quote about treatment and expectations of others. Treat them low and they will live up to your standards. Treat them as if they were capable and good, and they will reach up to the best they can be. I like the concept. But its difficult to follow, especially when annoyed with the other person. My sister picks me to no end. And I get angry and upset and I let my frustration show. Frustration with her disrespect, with her irreverence, with her moodiness. But she is a human being all her own. I cannot control anything of her. I can show her love and try to live the best I can and if my values resound with her then she can follow them too, in her own way. We are different. And this is a very good thing. But sometimes its hardest to accept differences within your own family, especially in the immediate circle. I want the best for her, but is my concern selfish? I think it is truly wrong how she displays her disregard for other's ideas and opinions so strongly. But I think that is also learned. I actually cried from the look on my step-dad's face today when he reacted to a statement of mine. It was pure disgust and contempt. He later apologized, but its incredible to me how in our own home, to our own sisters and brothers and mothers and fathers and daughters and sons, we can be the most cruel.
But I am still every thankful for my family, for the lessons they teach me and the opportunities we give each other to grow and learn. I pray for the strength to grow patience and humility with everyone in this house, including myself. Today was not perfect, but it wasn't bad. And like A mentioned, OA teaches us that perfection isn't what we seek. We seek serenity. A place in this world where we give and receive love and compassion. Where I live in the moment, and my life is made up of moments. Where I am thankful and grateful for the breath of my body and the joy of being alive. Of simply being alive. For the chances and the choices that life gives, if we are open to them.