Back in the spot of the first entry. Finished tightening the lids on my lunch and dinner tomorrow and rinsing the pots and measuring cups. A different lifestyle to be sure. A different mindset. Three months? Still the same. Subtle differences can make all the difference, though.
A empathetic desire to reach out to my fellows. To hear their thoughts and woes, to share my ideas and challenges. Talked to my p.in.r and had a coherent stream of words flow from my mouth, about a higher power being, if nothing else, a method to let go of the ego, to get outside one's selfish brain. To reach for something beyond one's self, to rely on that something, to put trust and faith in that something. Whatever that something may be. For me, there are higher energetic forces around us, and I can feel them if I listen, with my body and soul, and let go of my mind. Love is a powerful, powerful force. Just as air, fire, earth and water. (insert some joke about captin planet...). A night of indulgence with the boy last evening. A gourmet cooked meal, including all the fat and salt, a bottle of wine for each color, and sex on the living room floor, in front of glowing embers, smoldering in the fireplace. The CD he burned for me played through and we lay at the end, naked, stroking. I wanted no words, just the unfocused focus of a hypnotic zone-out. But he was chatty and playful. We brushed our teeth and went to bed. Warm, beautiful, his arm wrapped around my middle, his head on my shoulder as I read a bit. His soft breathing. Lights out and switch heads on shoulders. A tossed and churned sleep, but I dreamt so I must have spent a decent amount of the night actually asleep. This morning at the chiropractor he mentioned that my right neck was espcially tight and i must have slept on it funny. Well, slept on an arm, yes ;) Funny how we put ourselves in uncomfortable positions for the sake of snuggling. When all we really want to do is move away and get some space! But the enticing warmth, the press of bodies, the scent of skin; its irresistable. Mostly.
Moments today, of awareness, of serenity. Reading the passage from my daily reader, feeling a calm settle over me, a blanket of relaxation, if only just for a moment. Walking from Starbucks with Sarah, back to work, the unexpected afternoon sun shinning through the golden leaves, shaking and dancing in the cool wind.
Now; grateful for this day.
"I'm here to carry my own load. I'm responsible for finding my own answers and making my own decisions. I have the program to help me to do that. If I use it in my life today, I'll learn a lot about being responsible to myself. It's a good way to start growing up!"
Grateful for space. Grateful for instant communication. Grateful for holding back from that instant ability. For many reasons. To hold back. To hold on, strrengthen a feeling, make it more honored by its preciousness. The clock ticks. I have things I want to do still. But I will go to bed, and rest.