a very angry, rebellious binge tonight, in denial of how i have to change. starting a very structured, agressive plan in the OA program, and think the disease came roaring out tonight in opposition. but also that darkness, swirling around in the gaping hole. thats the other part of it. it doesnt want to be ousted. and im afraid to oust it.
i figure its like this. kind of like that song where theres the bird in the nest, and the nest on the branch, and the branch on the tree, etc etc...
there is a hole. in the hole is the darkness. protecting the darkness is the disease. so in order to fill the hole with goodness, i have to take away the disease, face the darkness, face the emptiness after the darkness, and then fill the hole.
a very daunting task. a very scary task. feeling like saying fuck it to everything right now. myself, work, life. the same dark thoughts swirling around in my head. its not worth it. nothing is worth it. not even why. past why. its not worth it to know why. because there is no reason good enough for why. its just...all...pointless. rationally i know this is really not good thinking. but emotionally, its what is consoling me. as contrary as that sounds. but if there is no point to anything, there is no point in caring. and if there is no caring, there is no pain.
so now what.
pray for strength, for courage, to jump before i aim.
grateful for electricity.