Sunday, September 20, 2009

1:37pm bedroom

Shivers. Though tomorrow morning there will be heat, and sweat, and discomfort.
Driving home at night, through the rain, listening to soft rock, a beautiful moment. park in front of the garage, the naked bulb glaring through the drops on my windsheild. praying, reading. but fell prey to the seduction, oh so tempting, so deceiving.
but it has started. i can feel it. I felt it through the fight tonight, against the pull of a seemingly escapable tide. it has begun. the struggle to be free of the struggle. to embrace letting go.
relax, take it easy, let go.
last night was a horrendous self infliction of self mutilation. today was mild, but a great connection with ruthie, walking around greenlake, and with amber and sarah, eating dinner at B&O, and with friends, chatting late at Katie's house.
So close, so close. I feel tomorrow will be even harder, and I am afraid. But I have a meeting to go to, and Anecia to talk to and discuss with, if she will have me. Im afraid of a disicpline, but at the same time jerking my chin up that I should have one. Maybe both feelings are right. Whose to every say what is right. For anybody else.
I can learn what is 'right' for me. By letting go of this. Letting go of controling my eating. Controling my failure. Putting my future and my success into fruition, letting both actually happen.
Universe, i think of the night sky; Love, i feel warmth; God, what i use to call both; grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Love myself to better myself. Love and serve others to find myself. I feel so selfish. Frusterated. Angry. but determined. please, God, help me find courage and strength. Help me find love to nurture my recovery.
Grateful for meaningful, honest conversation. Grateful for sleep, rejuvination. Grateful for Love.

No comments:

Post a Comment