i want to be punished. "Forgiving other people helps me deal with my resentments" says one of my daily readers. Including my resentments against myself? Self-hate got me through one day, but coming home from work today, thinking about the bonfire party im having tomorrow night and all that needed to be done, I was a mess. An almost cry in the kitchen, then a chaotic hodge podge of motions, reading and eating through the evening. Finally back to consciousness after a 20 min turbojam.
Was very conscious today, very aware of exactly how i felt and trying to determine what my next movement should be. Held down the weight in my head, held back the love. Which I think was to my detriment tonight, especially when mum, with a huge lit up smile on her face, asked me to play cards, and i painfully backed out, not because I didn't want to, but because i was eating (off my food plan and a binge food to boot), and i didnt want her to find out, and i didnt want to stop. finally did stop around 9 when amber called, distressed, which made all the difference. if it had been a perky gossip call i would have stayed in my hole and cut the conversation short. but her agnst jostled me out of my foggy denial, and i thanked her for it after we had talked a bit.
"We are expected only to handle reality, moment by moment", another daily prayer book. "And when we stay with the reality of the moment, we have immediate support. Our Higher Power gives us the strength and courage we need for the present time. We can let go of our future pain, accepting only what hurts right now." easier said than done. but thats really the key, acting as if, until the belief is shown to us, when we are fully opened and ready. (i suppose)
was downing the sleepover and bonfire for a while, too much work, wanted my space. but i will have fun. and i think right now i need just a little space for myself. enough for a quite meditation and self reflection. but otherwise, it would be good for all parts of me to be engaged with others. much to learn from them, from interacting with them, from observing myself interact with them.
tomorrow could be stressful. but during the day, during training, i can let go of thoughts of the evening, and focus on the present moment. then during the evening, i can let go of control and let everyone work together for what feels best. then during the night, i can make everyone and myself comfy and relax and sleep :) i wish i hadnt lost connection with myself and God, and even the hate, tonight, but that is past now. tomorrow is tomorrow is one day.
a quiet hour before midnight, everyone in bed, the laundry tossing and knocking in the dryer. my hair damp, my eyes getting heavy, my body a bit itchy from shaving and lotion. water, bathroom, sleep. grateful for hope and love and forgiveness. always love and hope and forgiveness.