Monday, September 7, 2009

1:14am living room

i think another reason i had to go through this spell of bingeing is also because i needed to realize i dont totally want to stop over eating. likemy step-dad has always said, if i really want it to go away, i can make it. if i fully surrender to my higher power and the 12 steps i could make abstience a reality. but in reality, im still holding onto bingeing like a child to their old blankie. i still want it, holes and dirt and all. so how do i let go? how do i move past, grow up, and learn to manage my emotions and life? food is such a blocking spar for me, keeps me at arms reach from everything, including myself. i need a sponser, to help me through step 3, to help me let go. i need meetings, for the fellowship, for the shared weakness and strength and courage and hope. i need to reach out. i need to let go of my fear of the future and life and let my higher power guide me. faith, please help me nuture faith in the force, the universal spirit that loves and guides. faith in the progression of my days, faith in tomorrow. faith in sleep.

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