Monday, September 28, 2009

(written 10:25 last night, bedroom)

(bad internet connection)

"Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies." Nelson Mandela
Feeling frusterated is okay, but feeling resentful against having a problem, a flaw, isn't going to help me get through my frustration, or get me anywhere for that matter. To truly embrace a higher power, the guiding force of the Universe, the spirit of Love, i think i have to embrace the disease, the problem. Only by loving it can I begin heal from it. And even if that healing is a lifelong journey, then the more love i will cultivate and grow in my life...(felt like that bit of understanding there came from somewhere else...)
Im a bit sick with a cold, stuffy nose, hard forehead, clammy head. the heater is on. i need to get a grip, i want to get a grip. a magazine beside me. a CD burning. a weekend in stupor. then manic. music, exercise. a beautiful day and evening, early fall sunshine, hope it lasts. trying to plan out the week only increases the clammy feeling in my fead, stress. but want the strcuture, know it will help, as much as i am refusing to accept, rebelling,
against this new life i have to live. but this doesnt have to be forever. it might come to be that what happens happens. i will live structured and abstinent under the HOW prgoram for 30 days. Happy Feet the movie last night in the hotel room with aubrey and her friends. loved it. was actually very focused and intrigued. havnt felt that way about anything for a long time. then the dancin tonight, zealous bursting dance and joy to 'I gotta feeling' by BEP. after watching a video made by university kids in montreal. they did a video to it in one take. just made me happy for some rason. maybe the connection of it, the organization, all those people working together,
even if it was for a music video about partying ;) sometimes it the silly things that get us most willing to get involved. why is it important for me to focus on my recovery, why should i put myself struggling with this. trying to figure out the right way to do things. but i have to just do and let them come, pray and let god. let god guide me. me first. sounds very 3 or 6 year old. nieve and stubborn and grabby. but its true. i need to put myself first. as much as i dont want to, its what has to happen. living just for today. this is another hard concept, but one that makes sense when i feel the focus, the clarity, the prescence of myself. live just for today, for yourself, for others. help them, help yourself. love yourself, love the universe.
"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew." Saint Francis de Sales

"Today i will ask for the willingness to move to the rythm of my recovery." Daily reader.
dance. movement. i think im being given a...sign. embrace dance, it is a love, a passion. it is really hard to
imagine my life without food, letting go of my obsession with it, because it is such an integral part of life. i feel like life will be dull and grey without it. but maybe i have to move through that dull grayness before i can emerge on the other side of the rainbow. i have to go through the cloud to get over the rainbow and back into the sun. a real sun. god wants me to live a good life, says claire. she says to talk to myself like i would a really good friend. so i would tell her; im sorry you feel the way you do. its too bad you have this problem. but keep pushing. keep talking. keep praying. keep reading. the universe is full of love, and you can tap into that if you let yourself.
act as if you are willing. act as if you are willing. do what you know needs to be done. and let the rest come to you. what you dont know. which i know is a lot, but thats okay. in a way, its a good thing. you can learn and make yourself all over again. think of this as being whitewashed. you may feel vulnerable and pale for a while. but then think of all the colors and textures you and god can find. grateful for space heaters. grateful for dreams. grateful for the creativity of human kind. grateful for the inspiration of the entire animal kingdom. and plants, those are pretty amazing too ;)

No comments:

Post a Comment