Wednesday, September 9, 2009

9:56 computer room

rotten, i feel rotten to the core. like im rotten, something is rotting inside me. that darkness, palpitating, always there, was always there. 5 years ago, the winter approached and i fell into that darkness. i think its happening again. i hate myself. but i love the child of creation that i am, Gods love. i love that entity. i cherish it. but i hate its host. my mind. and what that mind has done to the body and the spirit. my soul is being swallowed by the darkness. i am so alone, im not even with myself anymore. crying, sobbing, on my carpet, i felt detached from my very being. there is no one i can turn to. only god. and love. an image, a blackness behind closed eyes, the fear of it overpowering, the fear of what was in it overpowering, because i could feel it, whatever it is that makes me wrong, swirling, lurking. and then. thoughts of aubrey, ennio, steve, mum, dad, jerry, luke...LOVE. and that force, a clear energy, beat back the other invisible force, a arrow shaft down a long tunnel. and i followed that arrow to an explosion, a nebula.
i dont know what that is. but LOVE. that i can understand. that is what will fight this dark.
which doesnt care. which doesnt want to care. which doesnt understand. which misses the point.
im missing the point. the darkness is there, at the back of my mind. coiling. rumbling like a potent thunderstorm. i feel it. i feel its seduction. and i cant simply say no, i need more than that. i need God. I need LOVE. i need some sort of understanding. or a release from the need for understanding.
fake, i feel its all so fake. im so fake when im around everybody. not always. but mostly. i really dont want to go to work tomorrow. face the smiles. my weakness. my failure. my hatred of myself. but because i am a child of the universe, i cant let go. but i feel like i am dying while im still living. and not understanding why is the worst part. i should be happy. i have everything. but i also have this darkness. will medication take it away? therapy? i have to try, for my families sake. because right now, i just dont feel like i am worth my time.
though i am writing this. thats ironic. maybe thats the love in me, battling back, trying to shine through.
i just want to work through this. i cant do it working around the normal day, because i get lost in mechanical functioning.
im terrified to go to work tomorrow.
im terrified of myself.
god, i give myself to you, as much as i have left.

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