Tuesday, September 29, 2009

10:20 computer room

going to bed now, after this.
rain falling, hair astrew (astray?), body tensed, mind jumbled- a chaotic cloud mass.
the clouds were spectacular tonight, took a dangerous snap while driving in traffic on the floating bridge. a huge grey mass surging over bellevue, the sun glinting off the tower through the breaks on the other side.
raskal chomping food. rain dripping down in rivulets.
adventure. i want adventure. challenge. i want challenge. something other than what i have.
last night was very bad, a desperate binge, a sobbing respite. but also a touch from god. a calmness, and then a soft comforting blessing on my folded hands, pressed against my forehead. a blessing. a realization, for willingness, i need to embrace love, i need to embrace and love myself. to forgive. so i did. i cried but i said out loud, over and over, 'i accept myself just as i am, i love myself just as i am, just for today.' it hurt, but it felt really good too.
and today, i was bursting with love. woke at 6, a bit early, and the harsh reality of the night before set in, but i fell asleep again, and the next waking wasnt so bad. and the love grew throughout the day. i wanted to connect with everyone, to reach out, to touch, to hear, to talk to. im starting to feel it slowly slip away, just in this moment, just a notch. i think it might have been two things. god. but also a need to get away from myself. to get out of myself. which maybe is god as well.
binged tonight again. very low about the middle, thinking i was going to quit HOW, quit my sponsor. but then the universe pushed. E called, though i didnt answer, just stared at the phone vibrating in my hand. then S sent a text. then 8:30 rolled around and i knew i had to drop the last few bites of my food back in the container and make the call. felt a bit forced, a bit floating, but i talked and tried to explain how i was feeling, for her, and for myself.
little by little. i do feel a change. but i would like to be able to come home at night and lead a normal, a sane evening. i don't see this happening soon. but i hope for it, i pray for it, i am willing for it. i would like to try a switch in routine, to try to shake up the habit side of it. to exercise in the morning, and then go to bed by 10. i know i still need meetings, and talking, and literature and service. but i also think i need to break the structure of the binge, of the feeling of impending doom throughout the day. tonight i want sleep. and tomorrow i might get home to late. but there is always the next day. and the next. and the next.
but i am here. just for today. today. just for tonight. tonight.

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