Saturday, September 5, 2009

11:29 living room

feel like its time for bed. nice to feel something, a nudge, a prod, a intutitive suggestion.
but feel i should write a little.
last night was a sobbing admission, discussion with mum and step-dad about my compulsive eating. cried through most of it, but broke down sobbing at one point i was so overcome with shame, when i tried to tell them what i had ate that night, i was so afraid to show how much i eat and therefore take advantage of their hospitality. but their words, thoughts, wisdom and love calmed me down and i went to bed exhausted but pacified.
a wonderful meeting this morning, the 10'oclock at a church in seattle, such a big group, such an amazing fellowship of people, all with such courageous stories of strength, weakness and hope. the leader led by speaking and her story was incredible to listen to, the obstacles she had broken down with her higher power. and the peace she had risen to. she appeared a bit spacey and wacky, like us all, but hers was a very honest, no qualms about who she was type of nuttiness. that drew me to her last meeting, and i was hoping to ask her to be my sponsor this time, but she wasnt available. i did talk to her though and she told me to just 'interview' as many potential sponsors as possible until one feels right. and that its never a contract thing, if it doesnt click, you just both politely bow out.
met up with mum after, wandered around Fred Meyer. Driving to meet her, i had a moment of clarity, where i realized that at night, i just have to let go of my fear. that is giving up control, giving up my fear to my higher power to do with that energy what may. it felt so wonderful feeling that, and i repeated it to myself various times in the store, and was immediately relieved of any tension or stress. back home and then right back out shopping again, this time with the younger bro and sis for school clothes. dragged out at the end, because my brother has great difficulty making decisions. back home, and argued with them both in the kitchen about money and other menial details, until i was so stressed i had to go lay down in my bed. which was wonderful. dozed and daydreamed, mostly about men, including an old boyfriend, which was interesting, until mum called for me and i felt ready to get up. ate dinner with her and then grabbed half an apple and my book and a cup of tea and started reading. a little later she invited me to watch a movie with her which extremely annoyed me to the point of anger, for no real apparent reason. that is a defect i need to understand, the response i have to mum. caved, because i knew it was childish to resist, and laid down on the couch. watched a bit with her, then left for the computer room to read some more. some food. then stop! cup of tea and brush my teeth just after 9! felt very good. but the peace didnt last. ended up eating quite a bit more, hidden and unobtrusivley. to the point of fullness, and felt like a finish, brushed teeth again and decided to exercise. during which, i felt so grateful to be able to exercise, i felt the release, the boost from movement. i am so grateful to have a body that can jump, twirl, punch, kick and shake.
very tired. music festival for two days after this. and homework for work. but right now- sleep.
god, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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