Wednesday, September 2, 2009


this is the middle stage. i had to go through last week's terrifying drop to get to this point- the middle level.
the purgatory between wanting/working recovery and angry/sad desperately seeking help. ij ust dont care right now. i can still fit into my sweatpants and skirts. and i dont really give a fuck about gaining weight. its a point between the grey. the very middle, where the black and the white shades are totally equal.
its a no-mans land. a place of no emotions. i feel a bit of wonder at coming to understand this. coming to see how i am still controlling. running back and forth and then balancing on the see-saw rather than jumping off. im still holding on, trying to control, i still think i can do this by myself. thats what the disease is telling me in this point. trying to push me farther into the dark. but the strong paradie, the part who has seen the light at the end of the tunnel, who has created a link and felt her higher power through OA, she is keeping it balanced.
im retreating from the battle. letting the torch go out. dropping my shovel and walking back into the dark.
'come back, come back!' they say. but right now, i feel rather apathetic.
i need a sponser. i need help to get help.
this cycle, this endless cycle. opening and closing and opening again the cupboard doors, expecting to find something different, something new. thats insanity. im insane.
i dont even feel like praying, because it sounds fake. but OA says to 'act as if'.
God, Guiding Spirit, help me find your light again. I believe there is a bright future for me, this will not last forever. Please guide me back to the shovel. And i'll dig. And act as if I've let go of control.
even without feelings, i still feel lost.

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