Thursday, September 24, 2009

11:13 living room

remembering the first night i started this blog. was sitting a cushion over on this couch. but the memory is emotionally very clear. the light behind me. the feeling of the night.
tired now. je suis fatigue. and stuffed up, but not too much of a bother, unless it keeps me from falling asleep.
up early and a short talk with mum before she left for work, about being grateful for not having it worse off. one way to look at it. public meeting briefing on H1N1, interesting and informative but long. Slow afternoon in the office, to the soundtrack of various stations on Pandora. Left with Katie, picked up her mum from her office and drove to their house where my bumblebee was waiting. 20 bucks for gas and home. To dinner surprisingly. The family was eating, so I substiuted a protein and sat with them. Felt prickly after, and energetic, so I did a long exercise DVD. Felt incredibly bursting with strength during it, was wonderful. Quick rinse, random internet, call from Anecia. Good talk about being honest with yourself. Fringe, prep for tomorrow (which takes quite a while), now writing, then bed.

One of the 'slip' questions Anecia had me think about was the serenity prayer and what it means to me. the serenity prayer is humility and gratitude. it does connect me to a higher power, a greater power when i use it. but when the desire, the rebellion, the disease is wanting so strongly, the idea of it doesnt even come into my head.
why did i make the choices i did, for the past two nights? was there a conscious thought process? was it unconscious? ...the first night was much more conscious. the second night I was aware of my decisions, but less thought came into the equation.
i am resentful that i have this disease for my entire life. but i feel much more accepting, less controling of it, tonight.
to the part of me that is the quotes i have on my computer screensaver show me, anger will never lead to light. it feels good when i can let it out, but as soon as i shout or show irrational frustration or impatience, i regret it. it is a very brief and fleeting pleasure to get angry at someone. there is less guilt incurred when you are angry at me, as if i deserve it, but i am a child of the universe, and will thrive on love. all through the ages, Ghandi said, love has persevered, has won. please, anger, lets not make this a fight. i already have enough to deal with. please, let go of yourself, as i must to God. let us let go together and see what kind of boat can be built, and where it will take us. angry me, as long as the anger remains, i will be on an island in the middle of the sea.

I have to remind myself that the 12 steps are a journey, and the journey is an adventure, andpart of the adventure is a process of figuring out behaviors around food, emotions and coming to understand what works., through trial and error.

Read an article about quotes on failure...
"What looks like a loss may be the very event which is subsequently responsible for helping to produce the major achievement of your life."
Srully D. Blotnick
maybe letting this go, as much as i am hesitant about anticipating the complete change it will make of my life, will be what shapes the rest of my life, positively and in good light.
lots of the quotes reminded me of love too. learning, and not losing enthusiasm along the way. think the latter is much harder. to not get jaded, to not expect the world in your partner, to assume it will end, to not hope for it to last forever. once one love goes that you thought you couldnt live without, then how is the next going to be any different? maybe thats the faith. the faith that there is someone, or someones, out there, who are the difference, who will make the difference in your life, if you choose to seek them, to be open to letting the universe let you find each other.

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly."
Robert Kennedy
so if my life turns out to be a bland fog, i guess that could be considered a failure. but it could also be a bright and fantastic landscape, with mountains and meadows, a brilliant seascape, a peaceful glade...what colors, what textures will my life painting have...

"There is no failure except in no longer trying."
Elbert Hubbar
I would also say, hiding from your intuition and the universe, being dishonest with yourself.

"Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have."
Louis E. Boone
I will.

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