Saturday, September 26, 2009

12:37am living room

A long friday, many faceted, full of many parts. Training all day, poorly attended to on my part, i realized i was acting quite immaturely during it. Sketching and stretching out and leaving multiple times for the bathroom. Quick emails after then we all left for happy hour, me scrambling after everyone else, who booked it ahead of me. Frusterated and stressed in traffic, not myself talking to ruthie and katie on the phone, trying to get to the place. Let myself drive and eventually was guided to it, with some directions from a ticket cop. A nice sit with the co-workers, but typical of me to not eat or drink anything besides waters. though i really would not have felt comfortable consuming food or alcohol. though i seriously contemplated the latter, in the beginning. left in time for the meeting, another meandering drive through the city to get there, but eventually, safetly and soundly, arrived. a very good meeting, the first share burst my resentment bubble, and the others dried most of the water, but i still left with some residew, so even though i had good intentions and feelings when i got home, to eat dinner then go to bed, i ate dinner then finished watching a movie with the fam in the living room, feeling the desire rise, but not really feeling like i wanted to stop it. a false cheery afirmative to mum's sleepy query 'are you good for tonight?' then a slip into the kitchen for the first round. anxious with luke sitting beside me as i munched the first bagel, then down when he left, realizing i didnt want to eat, but knew i was going to continue. then he came back, and the feeling lifted and i was back to anxious munching, which turned into frustration with him being there. eventually, halfway through some grapes, felt so sick, that i had to stop, brush my teeth and do a short exercise. all carbs and sugar tonight. comfort.
i want to go to the morning meeting tomorrow, but i also want my body to have sleep. i think i will stay later in bed tomorrow, but if i wake by 9, i will go.
late, it is tomorrow, i will write more soon.
grateful for a body that can move and sweat. grateful for meetings.

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