Monday, September 14, 2009

12:34am bedroom

past bedtime but i know writing will do me good, ease my mind and heart.
where we have come from...even though i still feel enmeshed in turmoil and boiling in chaos, i have to take a step back from everything, outside myself and see where i have come from, even if i dont understand where i am now. though i feel like there are two (or more) forces inside me, i feel more connected to myself. though i am still overeating and compulsive with food, i no longer starve myself for entire days. i skip breakfast sometimes, but try to eat normal during the rest of the day. i now feel exercise as a pleasure, as a release, rather than a punishment, a purge of calories, bad behavior and pent up emotions. though at times i feel more alone than ever, i am connecting more with others, being more socially involved. i still am concerned with my appearance, but im starting to really care about the totality of my being.
though i still am afraid of the future, afraid of facing what i dont know, afraid of accepting i dont know who i am, what i want...i understand that it will come to pass that i will be able to embrace my fears as mountains for growth. that by digging through them or climbing over them, i will become stronger and clearer into...what? the person i can be. though i am still angry and sad and frusterated and afraid; i want recovery.
i can make it through the 'apprehension, unrest, and unease', with hope and faith in Love. I can forgive, and be forgiven. I can be both light and dark, I can live.
Grateful for words and language.

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